It's still a wonderful life

Im sitting here getting rady to go back to the urgent care place and check on Colecta. I cant believe there is only 3 hours left in 2007. Time passes by so quickly. This time last year, I was walking around New york city with my friend Savanna.

So much has happen since then. Good and bad but mostly good. I am so thankful that I here at this point in my life. I do have so much to be thankful for. I have learned many lessons and I will remember them as I go into the new year. I have had some hard times. But the fact that I am still here proves that God is real and only wants the best for me and all His Children. I have let go of a lot of things and people who werent good for my life.

So my Prayer is that God will continue to be the Leader of my life. One things mother always told was this:
Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like no one's watching.

Love you all. Have a blessed New year
Remember, it still is a wonderful life
Antony
http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Tomorrow

"Hang on till tomorrow... Come what may."

Truly do love you, tomorrow. Tomorrow is that day of new beginnings. It brings new adventures. It may bring happiness or maybe sadness. But whatever it brings, It will be worth waiting for. I know that in my life there have been times when I didnt want to see tomorrow and a long time ago, there was a time when I tried to make sure I wouldnt see tomorrow but Thank God I did get to see tomorrow.

We Go through low points in our life to learn a lesson.. Whatever the lessons may be. Im so glad that I can say "Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, you're always a day away."

See y'all Tomorrow

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

I Am changing

I will have a blog up soon. But right now thing truly my prayer and Plee to God

Look at me
Look at me
I am changing, tryin' every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
I'm trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear now
I am changng, I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it's fonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now...hey

Christmas??

Well here I am sitting at home alone. Not really sure how to feel. I cant believe that Christmas is in a week. I am not all in the Christmas mood. I want it to go away. I feel like that Christmas is being celebrated and I'm not involved in it. It's kind of like when you walk into a room and everyone is talking about something and you're not involved in the conversation. The only time I really feel the True meaning of Christmas is on Sunday Morning. When I hear the Message, I feel closer to Christmas. But the minute I leave, it's like Christmas is Gone. I'm not a big rap fan, but recently I am. Why? Because, for some reason, it's very hard for me to listen to Christmas music. I keep Asking:

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?

My world is changing. I'm re-arranging. Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember The person you used to know?

You and I were so carefree! Now nothings easy.

Did Christmas change or just me?

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Lean on who?

Ok. Just to start this out, I have never been rich. But there was a time when I didnt have to worry a whole bunch about money. There was a time when I wouldn't go to certain stores in town because that just wasnt where good "Kinds" of people shopped.

I remember several times during my high school life my Friend( And former Choir teacher) Kathy said " One Day, God's gonna humble you". And he has. Especially since I have moved to Orlando.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain

We all have sorrow But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow

Not gonna go into to much detail, but this month I had a lot of bills and things that needed to be done.( Especially the root canal) and so that left money a little tight. Well last night, Had enough money in my bank account. So my plan for today was to get my haircut and do my necessary shopping. Well This Morning there was negative balance in my account. It was my fault but I didnt think that everything would come out all at the same time.

So no haircut.

But these things have been happening and it's hard for me at first. But like today, I heard a song that I have heard many times before however, I always thought of it in a different way. But Today I heard God saying : Lean on me.

Why did my account go in the red? Why am I living paycheck to Paycheck? Why did mother have to die when I wasn't yet an adult?

The Answer is right in Front of me. God's telling me: Lean on me

If there is a load you have to bear That you can't carry I'm right up the road I'll share your load If you just call me

And you know that what we are suppose to do. Talk to God and lean on our friends. And we also need to be there for each other.

But I know that there's always tomorrow. So Im gonna listen to what God is telling me. Im gonna lean on him.

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Thats life!

I was talking to my friend Stephanie today and we we're talking about where we were in 2006. I remember at the beginning of the 2007, I discovered the Song " Thats Life" by Frank Sinatra. I loved the words. The words so were inspirational. To make along story short, It just talks about life's ups and downs. I was having a hard time emotionally, physically, mentally, Financially, Etc. It showed me that life wasn't fair. But it was worth a try. However, I was shocked by the end of the song. After all the great, "Go get her" words, the end simple says "But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july, I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die .My, My"

This song kinda became my anthem. I told myself that if nothing happen for me by July 2007, I knew that I was just gonna be worth nothing and I should stop chasing my dream. But you know how God works, My Contract with Walt Disney Entertainment took effect On June 1, 2007.

That Truly is life( And God!)

Regards,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Finally back!

Well I just got home from the funeral. The Last cousin and oldest member is gone. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was actually some healing between the family. I'm tired. I will blog more tomorrow.

Thank y'all for all the support that has been given to me recently.

Regards,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

I'm sure I will be singing....

Hey y'all!

Once again, I'm gonna let y'all in a personal part of my life. Tonight, I went to see the Candlelight Processional( Which I sing in but I didn't tonight). The Kids that I use to Direct at Middle burg High School In Jacksonville were there and they kicked butt! I'm so proud of them. But tonight, as I was listening to the concert( The "Hallelujah Chorus" By Handel to exact), I received a series of Phone calls. A couple was from very distant family that haven't talked to in years. But then my Godmother called.( She is like my mother now). She was calling to tell me that My Cousin Lee had died.

Now you must understand that this cousin not my age. Actually, she was 2 generations ahead of me. I was raised by my great-grandmother(who I refer to as mother). Growing up, I knew that mother's circle of Family was: Uncle Thomas( The one who was a very short man in stature and as long I had known him, was very old). Uncle Thomas was very funny. He died when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. I sang at his funeral. (and his wife's funeral Aunt Cora who got me addicted to Soap Opera's at the age of 5).

And then there was Aunt Bill( Willie Mae..Bill for Short) She was the sweet one! I sang at her Funeral.

And then There was Cousin Lee. Never Married. My skin Complexion( A lot of black people call it 'High Yella"). She was the feisty one. Always a loner. Never had Kids. Didn't care what she said. (Apparently she had always been like this.)

To make a long story short, This is all the family I had: My Birth mom who is so Strung out on drugs, that she doesn't know who I am. (She isn't doing Drugs anymore, but the drugs have done permanent damage.) Her Parent's are dead.

My Birth Mom has 2 brothers. One is gay and Won't have anything to do with me( because he was "Banned from the Family") and the Other is Mentally retarded.

So lets recap: I have Distant cousins (that Mother raised) that don't talked to me(for reason I'm sure I will discuss later), A mother that's brain is so fried that she doesn't know her own son. And 2 Uncle's that are in there own world.

Cousin Ida Lee was the last of the Generation of Mother. She was all of my true "Immediate" family I had left.

And On December 5th, 2007, she went to be with everyone else. And here I am. I'm ok but

I'm sure I will be singing at her funeral.

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

And Dance like no one's watching!

My Senior Quote in High school was "Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And Dance Like no one's watching!". It has such deep meaning on how we should live our life. But I have recently been asking myself " Do I believe this? Do I do this?". I recently found out that I didn't get the new Playhouse Disney Live on stage. I was really sure that I was gonna get it. It hurt. The way that my manager told me wasn't compassionate at all. But you know, I was talking with a friend who is facing foreclosure on a home. I talked with another friend who is facing divorce with the love of her life. I talk with people all the time and I give the advice to "Trust God" and that He will make a way. Am I believe that myself? I know that I have come a long way since I first started working for Disney.( Much thanks to Prayer and Medication). I have a peace about this whole thing. Am I working like I don't need money or loving I've never been hurt? Am I dancing like no one's watching? Not as much as should have. But I know that if I'm on the path that I'm suppose to be, following my heart, doing what God wants me to do, he will make a way. For some reason, I get up and brush myself off and prepare for whats next. Doing this isn't easy but I always have help. I always have something that offers me a hand and a peace of mine. And for that, I'm thankful.

God will make a way,

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way, He will make a way.
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fadeBut His Word will still remain

He will do something new today.
God will make a way.

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Memories of Christmas Pt.1

Just some thoughts tonight about Christmas memories.

It's hard not having mother here with my this Christmas. Last Christmas, I was in Illinois with Kathy. That was good, but I was running from my feelings. The Christmas before that, I was alone in my apartment. My Godparents and I were having a little disagreement.

This , to me, it my first Christmas without Mother. Thanksgiving, I was working and I then I slept. I went to Colecta's later and ate with her family.

Around this time of year, Mother and I would start decorating for Christmas. I still remember each Christmas ornament, wreath, the Plastic Poinsettias that Adorned the dining room. Everything was just the same. The candles in the windows.

I was telling Colecta I remember the Old 45 Christmas records that mother would play while we decorated. A good portion of my life, she was in a wheelchair, so I would do a lot the decorating by myself (with her direction, of Course). I remember that she always wanted my birth mother, her granddaughter, to be with us. And so did I. But I can remember only one Christmas that she was with us and its kinda painful to go there.

And now here I am. A Christmas in a new place, with new people. Without Mother......

More to come

"Through the years We all will be together, If the Fates allow...."

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Letting Go...

Well I cant believe its been almost 2 weeks since I wrote. Well I'm back. I got over the flu. THANKS BE TO GOD!

Today, I cleaned house. With my recent fight with the flu, I hadn't done any cleaning. And today, I "got r dun". Last week, I had to go to Jacksonville to sing a funeral of a friend of mine. I hadn't been there is 3 months. I had to check on my Godparents and see old friends. While I was there, I collected things that I needed to bring down here. Today, while I was cleaning up, I found things that I hadn't seen in years. Things that I didn't need anymore or things I needed to save. Some things were painful to see. Things that I had forgotten about. I didn't realize how much stuff I had until I went through all this stuff.

There was notebook labeled " Baggage". Inside, I had written things that I was carrying that I really needed to rid from my life. These were things that were holding me back and not allowing me to move forward. I've been trying to let go of somethings for a long time. After some researching and soul searching, I've come up with some thoughts and questions. Let go of what?Let go of the past. Past behavior. Past thoughts. Past actions. Past beliefs.
It's not easy to do. And even though we may say we want to let go, even though we say that we believe in it, that is not enough to make it happen."So, exactly how do I let go?"
Well, when I find myself asking myself that type of question, I think of it kinda like choosing between two different ice cream flavors. How do you chose between vanilla or chocolate? Easy...
You just choose. You see a choice, and then you choose.
Is letting go that easy as that? It can be. It's understanding that the baggage held inside no longer is appropriate to your life now.
What I'm trying to do is drop what was. And accepting what is.
It's giving up the struggle of the past that is bring me down and not helping me to prosper. And
I'm learning that letting go is seeing whats holding me back and any amount of denial, fighting, resisting, arguing, wishing, or bargaining isn't going to change what the situation is.
I'm trying really hard to put this into practice and think of the famous "Serenity Prayer"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

Letting Go, Slowly but surely,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Flu....YUCK!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know my luck? The week that I have a call back For Lion King and an audition for Disneyland Hong Kong, I get the flu( Or some version of it). Ive been resting however, I have to go to work. I cant afford to take days off.

Today I had the Call back for Lion King. Im just glad its over with. I did the best that I could under the circumstances.

Im just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Back in January, I got very sick with flu like symptoms but it didn't go away. After several test, it turned out that I had Epstein Bar. The father or mother to MONO: Epstein-Barr virus frequently referred to as EBV most people become infected with EBV sometime during their lives. Symptoms of Epstein-Barr virus are fever, sore throat and swollen lymph glands. Sometimes, a swollen spleen or liver involvement may develop. Heart problems or involvement of the central nervous system occurs only rarely, and infectious mononucleosis is almost never fatal. Although symptoms of infectious mononucleosis usually resolve in 1 to 2 months, EBV remains dormant or latent in a few cells in the throat and blood for the rest of the person's life. Periodically, the virus can reactivate and is commonly found in the saliva of infected persons. This reactivation usually occurs without symptoms of illness. Epstein-barr can recoccur at any time especially after illness or stress.

Since January, I have gotten sick several times. Its just a way of life. I just want to feel better! Hopefully, that will be soon!

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Mother...

This week, I have found myself frustrated a lot about simple things. Things that to most people sound pretty stupid. There was a time, when no matter how simple or stupid something was, someone would be happy or comfort me. It was mother.

I keep catching myself saying things that she would say, doing things she would do, etc.

I would cry. Whenever, I was sad, she was sad. I can still that look in her eyes. She so wanted to cry but instead she would just take my head and put in her lap and tell me " Its gonna be ok. Stop cryin. You're gonna make yourself sick"

Mother always had hope. She so wanted my Birth mother to get better. She always believed that my birth mom would get off drugs. It broke her heart. She raised my Birth mother and loved her so much.

These are the times that I so wish I could have mother here with me. To see me through the hard times. I'm an only child. My family doesn't want to have anything to do with me because of mother's love for me. Yes, it hurts. If I could just hear her voice again. Feel the touch of the soft hands weathered by this earth.

The week of her death, we sang at district competition by Moses hogan Called "Hear My Prayer". The last verse was "When my work on earth is done and you come to take me home just to know I'm bound for glory and to hear you say well done. Done with sin and sorrow. Have mercy . Amen"

Mother, I'm thinking of you. I love you miss so much. I need you here to help me. I love you and know that because of things you have taught me, I can go on.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and ev'rything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings

Mother, I love you a bushel and a peck... You know the rest.

Your Baby,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

I still have a dream

Its almost 2AM. I have a slammed pack day tomorrow. Cant sleep!!!!!! Tonight I went to the 3D version of " The nightmare before Christmas" with my Playndina sisters. We always have so much with each other!

My audition Friday went great! I have a call back for Lion King in 2 weeks.
A friend of mine had an audition that had great results. She always has such a positive outlook on situations and gives people the benefit of the doubt. She has great aspirations and dreams.

In Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman sings a song called " One day I'll fly away". One of my favorite lines goes like this:
...Leave all this to yesterday. What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends.

Dreams are such a great thing. They say so much. Carl Sandburg says this:
"Nothing happens unless first we dream."

How true! We all have something inside that we dream. Something that want to accomplish. Nicole Kidman says: Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day that dreaming ends?
What happens when dreams end? What do we do? Its almost like we have nothing to hope for.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream that , at the time, must have seemed almost impossible. But yet he didn't give up on that dream. He did whatever it took to see that dream was achieved

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream."

AND SO TODAY, I STILL HAVE A DREAM

What is your dream? or Dreams? Imagine your life without a goal or a dream or something to look forward too.

Talking to my friend reminded me that when stop having that hope, that dream, that want for something beyond this world or the situation we live in today, we stay right where we are.

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go

Life is a barren field Frozen with snow.

And so today,I still have a dream.....

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Audition Tomorrow

Tomorrow is an audition at Disney. Yes, Im already singing there. To give you a little insight, I am full-time however, I am only contracted 32 hours. I would love to be able to work an additional show and make more money.

The life of an actor isn't always the big bucks!! So I have to attend every audition possible, especially the ones at Disney. There is a lot stress involved in preporation for an audition. You may have everything prepared, but there always doubts. " Is this the right song for me?" " What to wear?" etc. On wednesday, I got a sore throat!(Just my Luck!!!) Last time I auditioned, The Casting Director kind of hurt my feelings. But I took exactly what he told me and did it. I am sing a song that will show all my emotions and my Vocal range. I will be singing "This is the moment" from Jekyll and Hyde.

This is the moment!

Damn all the odds!This day, or never,

I'll sit forever With the gods!

When I look back,

I will always recall,

Moment for moment,

This was the moment,

The greatest moment Of them all!

And thats how I feel. I feel good about tomorrow. This song really says so much and I know that I am gonna give my all. And you know what thats all I can give. .

Now the time has come

to prove to them Ive made it.

This is the Moment!

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Friends and support

I cant believe it's been almost 8 days sinced I've blogged!! I was kinda down for while but Im doing tons better. Thank God this the last week to pay me union initiation fee! Maybe I will have a normal pay check for once( Hey Glory!! right, colecta?)

I want to say how thankful I am for all my friends. I know that having a support group around you helps you to get through things. Lets face it: We cant do it alone.

This week, I came a cross a very interesting passage in Exodus about support: 17:8-13

When the Israelites were at Rephidim, they were attacked by the Amalekites. So Moses told Joshua, " Have some men ready to attack the Amalekites tomorrow. I will stand on a hilltop, holding this walking stick that has the power of God."
Joshua led the attack as Moses had commanded, while Moses, Aaron, and Hur stood on the hilltop. The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them. Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites.

So the only way that Joshua could win this battle was if Moses could keep his hands raised in Prayer. Moses was no spring chicken and thats a long time to keep your hands raised! But when Moses let his hands downs, Joshua began losing the battle. But then Aaron and hur came supported Moses arms.

This is something that Im realizing now more than ever: You need support. I used to shut my friends out and not them help me. I would help them but when they offered me help, I would say "No thanks. Im ok". But I was only hurting myself. I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I have to have a lot of dental work down. Im saving up for it, however, recently there isnt a lot to save after bills and such. One of my friends offered to give me $100.00 to help witht he most pressing dental work. I kept saying no, but finally I accepted and that will help me tremendously.

Support groups really are a good thing because you can talk with other people who are going through the same thing.

I am really thankful that I gained that I have recently gained a group of really great friends who will let me help them and they will help me too. So many times, we ourselves have tired arms. We just cant hold them up any longer, but praise God that we have wonderful people there to help us. We may think we have no one there to help us hold our hands up but we have to get out there and meet people. If you want to walk on water, you gotta get out of the boat. Look around! Are we not blessed? If you want help, you have to ask for it. Friends wont bail you out of jail, they will be there saying " That was sooo much fun!"

"I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy.Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun." - Charles R.

Swindoll

Your friend,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Leave A light on.......

I just got home after a somewhat long day. This week for me has been up and down. A lot of you know that tonight was the U2charist at my church. It was awesome.(Colecta thank you so much for everything. I truly dont know what I would do without you. You are a true friend. I love you!) More on The U2charist Tomorrow.

Last night, I felt lost. Not sure what to think. Do you ask yourself the question " Do you know where you're going to?". Diana Ross sang that song in "Mahogany". I just felt like driving last night. I had no Idea where I was going. I have that feeling a lot nowadays. I sometimes just get really sad. I just started driving. I was listening to U2 because I was trying memorize my songs.( I truly have CRS syndrome..Ask me what it means if you dont know) I ended up at my Church, St. Lukes.

While sitting in service a few weeks ago, a guy name John sang a song called " Leave the light on". The music is so beautiful. The words have so much meaning.

It was 9pm when I pulled up at the Church and I didnt expect it to be open but God "Left the light on" for me.

"Leave a light on for me Cause i've been a lot of places And I've learned a lot of lessons And the lessons take their toll. Leave a light on So I can look for what's left Of my soul"

I felt empty. I felt hopeless.

I walk in and went into the prayer chapel and knelt before the Altar.

"Leave a light on for me Cause my world keeps getting bigger But my heart's been getting smaller And it chills me to the bone Leave a light on for me Cause I thought I had the answers But now i've got these questions That won't leave me alone"

I knelt there and just pour out my soul and cried. Screamed. Asked for forgiveness and help.

"Leave a light on for me Cause I've always been a fighter But never knew how much of life Was out of my control Leave a light on Cause right now I can't see where to go"

I admitted I didnt know where I was going.

There was this light on for me. I know that God lead me just where he wanted me to go.

What was left of my soul?

I dont want to get into to much detail but it was bad last night and it has been getting worse. This week, I see my psychiatrist. I know that God will have that candle burning for me then too.

I want you to know that there is ALWAYS A light left on for you. And as much as we feel that the light has gone out, it hasnt. It may be hard to see because of all the fog or smoke or whatever it is...But its on. And its on just for you. I know that if hadnt gone to that church last night, I dont know where I would be.

John 8:12 "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."

Last night, I followed the light. Always remember: as long we seek it, the light will never be turned off.

"Leave a light on And maybe this time Leave a light on And maybe this time Leave a light on and maybe this time...I'll believe."

Learning to follow the Light,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Oh, What A Night!

Just some ponderin' for the moment

( The next blog will be more thought provoking, I PROMISE!)

Oh what a night! I could write a book on how many times I have called a close friend to say that. I would call A friend and talk about how wonderful the date I went on the night before was. What sparked this thought? I was sitting on my porch just pondering the things of life while random music was playing on my playlist. Every once and a while, I would listen to the song that came on and it would remind me of someone or something that happened. And then I heard "Oh what a night"

This time last year, I was in a relationship with someone. Now me being the good southern wo-MAN that I am, I would never have anyone move in with me or I move in with them. But this was different. For some reason, we moved in together. This was after maybe a MONTH of dating!( Don't ask. Some things you just think will work out!!) But it didn't work out. That's the end of that!

I after my first date with this person how I felt. The first thing that came out of my mouth when I called my friend was "Oh what a night!".

It's been a very long time since I've said that famous phrase. It has almost disappeared from my vocabulary. "Oh, what a night!Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me.He was everything I dreamed he'd be Sweet surrender, what a night!I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under". I can just BARELY remember that feeling.

That's thing that hurts so much. The feeling of not feeling attractive. At one time, I had the feeling that when I walked into the room, someone at least thought" What a hottie!".

I'm gonna really just vent about whats wrong with a great majority of men today. Especially men of the "Homo" persuasion. Its seems all they want is SEX! And the really sad thing is, they will do almost anything to get there. I have learned that they will lay the ground work and take as much time as it takes just get the one thing they want. They don't mind going to movies, or walking on the beach, or dinner and they will swear on everything that they don't want to have sex until you're ready. And then there you are, one to many glasses of wine. And there are pour more into the glass...

Sorry, a bad flashback......

But where are those who want only to get to know you and spend time with you? Those that have no ulterior motives?Those that look at you and think " What an awesome person" not " I wonder if I'm gonna get some?" And for those who say to me " No, I really don't want anything more than just to get to know you", It will take a long time for me to believe that. You can thank every other one that has not lived up to that statement before.

It's sad, isn't it? This strange and funny new definition of Love!

Oh, what a night!

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

The heat of the Kiln

"The raw, unfired vessels created by a potter can't hold water.

The colorful glazes, without firing, will fade and run.

There is no brilliant shine or interesting meld of texture and hue without the intense heat of the kiln.

An unfired pot just won't last.

Fired pottery is some of the most indestructible material on earth, telling the story of civilizations when everything else has disappeared.

We grow spiritually through the trials of life, because God's grace never leaves us."

-The Rev. LeeAnn Inman

Just a lump of Clay!

I can't believe its October 1st already. My, how the time flies!

Yesterday, went to Church. I made a BUNCH of sweet potato pies for "food for the soul" Sunday. Lets just say, I dont want to see another sweet potato for a LONG TIME!! Today, I went to the dentist. Had the regular stuff done. Im so thankful the I now have health insurance. However, Im gonna have to take out a loan or sell some blood/plasma to get all the necessary dental work done!(just kidding!!!)

Yesterday morning, LeeAnn preached. For those of you who dont know, LeeAnn is great friend of mine and has been my Pastor for many years. When I moved to Orlando, she was moved by the Bishop to my Church, St. Lukes.( God definitely has a plan!)

LeeAnn is the minister of Spiritual formation at St. Lukes. She talked yesterday about Grace and how we are formed spiritually(hence her title: Minister of Spiritual Formation. I will have more on the exacts once I can sit down and re-read her sermon) But after the sermon, our praise team sang " The Potter's Hands".

There were so many thought thats began running through my head. The message was simple: He is the Potter and we are the Clay. But I began to the think for the perspective of the clay. If I am the Clay, I dont know what Im going to end up. I can hope. I can try and move in a way that make me what I want to be, but ultimately, the potter knows whats going to be of me. He has a plan. He is the sculptor. The one with the experience. Im not. Im just a lump of Clay, dagnabit!

With my life, I know the things that I want and I do ask " why do have to go through these trials?"

There are some nights I just dont know what to do. I just want to give up. I just dont want to go ahead. But softly, I hear the sound of the table turning and see the lump of clay being "Molded" and I hear The Potter say " just trust me. I know what I'm doin".

I just began to cry during that song. I looked at the clay pots of all different sizes and shapes that someone had crafted.

"Take me, mold me, use me, fill me...I give my life to the potter's hand"

"I know you're drawing me to yourself lead me, Lord, I pray."

I know that we are all going through things so that we can be formed and shaped into the beautiful pots that we are suppose to be.

The only the ask, God, is that you dont make this pot to big around me the middle!LOL

Being molded by The Potter,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Inscription of Hope

Inscription of Hope

By: Z. Randall Stroope

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining,

and I believe in love, even when there's no one there.

I believe in God even when he is silent,I believe through any trial,there is always a way.

But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair,My heart cries for shelter,to know

someone's there.

But a voice rises within me, saying "hold on, my child.

I'll give you strength, I'll give you hope,just stay a little while."

The Boxer

Last night, after writing my last blog, I prayed that God would help with all the struggles. Something that was really on my mind was the fact that more money that usual has been being taken out of my paycheck. My union is taking there "fees" out in five installments. It truly is double-edged sword but in a few weeks, things will get back to normal. So I prayed and read some scriptures ( especially psalms 121 and psalms 37:4). And then this morning, I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day and the phone rang... It was work!!! They ask me to come in a do a show. This was great. It would mean my check might look normal( Mouseka dance!!)
Right now, I'm listen to a song called " The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel. If you don't know who they are, they are a duo from the seventies that sang a lot of great songs!

The song "The Boxer" is about a young man who left his home to move to the city, struggling to make a living and suffering from loneliness almost gives up on his dream. It is a misconception that the young man singing the song is the boxer but he isn't. The young man looks at the boxer and admires him for the his persistence and endurance and how he draws strength from his passed fights. He uses this to inspire himself to get back up and fight.
This song carries so much... anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, fear, regret, and strength. It's a great fight song about pulling through when everything's against you.

What a concept! Using your passed experiences to move forward and keep going! It just made me think about all the hard times I've had. The heartache. The pain. The Disappointment.
This is a beautiful song that I can personally identify with in matters of love, school and work, among other things. the last few lines are my favorite
"And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down".
We all carry scars and pains that sometimes hurt so bad that we want to quit, just want to scream out "I'M DONE!!!" but the beautiful thing is that those who can fight through all the pain are able to ultimately succeed.

"In the clearing stands a boxer,And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame,"I am leaving, I am leaving."But the fighter still remains"

I guess that's the story of our lives. "I am leaving i am leaving but the fighter still remains."
Let me amend that " I am leaving, I am leaving this life of anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, fear, regret but the fighter in me still remains and will never give up!"

Working hard at being a "Boxer",

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

The plan...

This is very short but It gives me renewed hope

http://www.paulinecards.com/movies/movie2.html

Dreams....

Today I missed my therapist appointment and then my dental appointment. Went to Animal Kingdom with Colecta and watched Lion King.

Watching Lion King made me depressed. Sometimes you just dont feel good enough. I find myself asking " is this really my dream?" If it is, God make it easier. Not getting to my goal, but making the rejection easier to do with. Today was one of those days I just wanted to forget about going any farther and be finished with the "Biz".

To the average person, this is the stupidist thing. But to someone with depression, little things like this makes us want to give up. It hurts just as bad as being stabbed with knife.

You ever have those days where you just want to get away? Where you just want to be someone where that things dont worry you? There was a period after mother died where I spent a lot of money trying to find that place. I was always leaving and flying and drving all over hither, thither,and yon( Southern talk for everywhere).And wherever you go, there are going to be problems. You cant just get rid of them but with help, you can deal with them.

Im Les Miserable, the character Cosette, is just a little girl when her mother dies and she talks about a Castle on a cloud:

"There is a castle on a cloud I like to go there in my sleep Aren't any floors for me to sweep Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a room that's full of toys There are a hundred boys and girls Nobody shouts or talks too loud Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a lady all in white Holds me and sings a lullaby She's nice to see, and she's soft to touch She says: 'Cosette I love you very much.' I know a place where no one's lost I know a place where no one cries Crying at all is not allowed Not in my castle on a cloud. "

I know that we all have those days where we want to go to a "Castle on a Cloud". However, people with Clinical Depression have those days more often and very intensely(If thats a word).

I'm not saying that they want to kill themselves but they just want to get away from everything. I dont want to kill myself. I just want to get away. An Island, A new city, whatever it may be. But you know what, new problems will arise where I go. I just have to learn to deal with it.

You can't always go " Over the Rainbow" or to a "Castle on a cloud" but you can dream. Im trying not to give up on my dream and deal with the things of life.

As I close this blog, Im hurting. I want to feel better and I know I will. I just hope its soon. This is what God has put on my heart

Isaiah 40:31"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run,and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint."

Peace be with you, Always

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Naptime!!!

Well I just got off work. Gonna try and rest. Pray that my voice holds up!!! If I can make it through tomorrow, I will have a few days to recover.

Just a little Quote I found:

"He leads me through each stormy dayjust when I think all hope is gone.When skies are dark I hear Him say"press on my child, you're not alone."

I know not what this day may holdnor if the path be steep to climb,My faith in God will keep me boldTo face this life, one day at a time."

Blessings,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

I've seen fire, I've seen rain.....

Wouldn't you know that it's 12:30 Am and I am still awake. Did I forget to mention I have to work tomorrow? Early shift? But I cant sleep. Colecta, the Advil PM aint workin! Its time for me to go back to the Tylenol!





Looking back on my life, I have had a lot of ups and downs. Many of you probably don't know, but I was born addicted to cocaine. My birth mother and father are both drug addicts.

When I was born, I was in the hospital until I was well enough to go home. But I didn't go home to "Mom and Dad", I went home to my great-grandmother. She is who I consider "Mother". You will often hear me refer to her or tell stories about her.

She was a very wise woman. She always had just the right thing to say. I never had to wonder where I stood. I never had to feel unloved. She always told me that she would be there for me.



For most of my life, it was just she and I. Really, she was the only real family I had. The rest of my family has died or is distant and really doesn't want to be bothered.

But the one thing that was constant was Mother and her love and discipline. She was always strong.



Then the first Sunday in 2005, I came home from church. My Godmother told me that mother had fell and was in a little pain. Like every Sunday, Dinner was ready as soon as I got home and we sat down to dinner. Mother was in pain. She was in her wheelchair and she was trying to stay strong. But I could see it.

I took to the hospital and for the first time in my life saw her cry. She had broken her hip. There she was. The rock of my life. The leader of the band, so very frail and weak.

After that, we found out her heart was to weak for a hip replacement.

One thing I will always remember about mother is that she was stubborn(Now you see where I get it!) and when she made up her mind to do something, she did it.

While I was in Los Angeles at a convention, I got a call to come home. I flew back and saw mother. She said in a weak voice "I love you a bushel and a peck" and I said " and A hug around the neck"



The next morning, I got the phone call that she had died. At that moment, I didnt know what to do. I went to the rehab facility to wait for the Funeral director to come pick her up but I wouldnt let go.

She always held me. Even at the the age of 17, she would just wrap her arms around me when I cried or needed her. For the first time in my life, she wasnt holding me. After the funeral director took her, I drove for hours. The first song I heard was called " Fire and Rain"



I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come



Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way



And Jesus is here with me. And through Him, I'm able to know I will see her again........



Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again.....

We've got ears. Say Cheers??

It's Saturday evening. Im sitting at home reply to emails and such after a not so good day. Since Im going to be writing about my struggle with Clinical depression, Here goes:

Thursday, I went to an evaluation in hopes of finding a new Therapist and Psychiatrist. They asked me a lot of questions poking and proding into my personal life and history( Which really put my brain into over drive!!) I got that done and went to church for praise team practice. I am suppose to see a Doctor next week. ("We've got ears ! Say Cheers!"-Mickey Mouse!)

Yesterday was the "Finding Nemo" Auditions. I went and I sang my best, award-winning, signature song " Sara Lee". My friend Colecta, who is always Blunt and honest with me, told me that I did great! I know that I did great. The judge told me that I needed to find a song that I actually sounded good at singing and then maybe he would consider me for other roles. He was really mean. But that's the life of show biz!

I had Candlelight processional rehearsal and it was good. I love choral music. I truly am a nerd about that stuff. Anywho, the director pointed me and made me the example of how we should look when we're singing. He had me stand up and it made me feel really good and ensured me that I was actually good performing.( We've got ears! Say Super Cheers!-Again, Mickey Mouse)

And then night fell. That is always the hardest time. I got depressed. But I took something and went to sleep in sure hopes and prayers that tomorrow would be better

And then Saturday came.... One of the worst thing about Clinical depression has to be this: being sad for no reason. Today, I really had no reason to be sad, but I just couldnt be happy! I did my job and tried to give it my all, but I couldnt. I just kept wanting to lay down inbetween shows. People would ask what was wrong and I honestly couldnt tell them. The default answer is always "I'm just tired". Smiling is normally something that comes naturally. But not today. Colecta had to remind me to not make my smile look so fake.

There have been to many of those days when Colecta has to remind me of that.( I am so thankful for her! She truly keeps me in line. I love you Colecta!) There are to many days where I can't say "Cheers" as Mickey would put it.

Something i sing everyday is the theme to the new Mickey Mouse club house. At the end of every show, Mickey and the gang all do something called the "Mouseka Dance" ( Which I do everyday!!). Its Called the "Hot Dog Song". The words go like this" Hot dog, hot dog, hot digity dog. Now we got ears, its time for cheers. Hot dog hot the PROBLEM'S SOLVED" to watch, click here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wePMYM4av6Q

Almost every day when I'm singing that song, I want to say to the kids "If only it were that easy". We can't just solve the problem by doing a few things and singing a " Happy Song". People always say " Smile" ( I am very guilty of this) but its not that easy. I really wish that I could do that.

So for tonight, Im just going to pray for a better tomorrow and know that by being proactive in finding a new Doctor and publishing this blog, I may help myself and others.

Hopefully soon I will have my ears. Say Cheers,

Antony

antonylarry.blogspot.com

Something about me you should know

Ok Im gonna start writing
People want to know why I dont go out anymore and whats wrong with me. At work, Im fine and most other places. Its just very hard to explain. About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with Clinical depression. When people think depression, they think its something you can control. Well its not. Depression is a very real disease. I got this from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression

"Although a low mood or state of dejection that does not affect functioning is often colloquially referred to as depression, clinical depression is a clinical diagnosis and may be different from the everyday meaning of "being depressed." Many people identify the feeling of being clinically depressed as "feeling sad for no reason", or "having no motivation to do anything." A person suffering from depression may feel tired, sad, irritable, lazy, unmotivated, and apathetic. Clinical depression is generally acknowledged to be more serious than normal depressed feelings. It often leads to constant negative thinking and sometimes substance abuse or self-harm. Extreme depression can culminate in its sufferers attempting or completing suicide.
Without careful assessment, delirium can easily be confused with depression and a number of other psychiatric disorders because many of the signs and symptoms are conditions present in depression, as well as other mental illnesses including dementia and psychosis.[1]"

This is a very hard thing to deal with. Im my life , it has ruined some really great things. I have had some great relationships. Yes, I have been cheated on and treated badly but I know that my depression has played a role in it.
I am currently in a "transition" stage. I've moved away from home and made a lot of changes. I have a great job. However, something that seems really stupid to the average person can be life and death to a person with depression. Right now, I am in the process of changing meds and seeing a new doctor.
I met a really great guy but my depression and the this transitional stage is a lot more than he can handle and that makes me sad. I really do like him but I need more...but I digress! I just want everyone to have a clear understanding of what depression is and how to deal with it.
I'm one of the lucky ones. Although my depression is VERY BAD right now(I have dont normally admit it, but I know because this is the worst I have felt in a LONG time), I have my faith to sustain me. Most people only think there is one way out, Death. I know that God is helping me get through this and is leading me to the right professionals and friends to help. Some people dont have that and it hurts my heart. We must continue to reach out to people and help them.
A lot of people dont know that i have depression and I have really tried to keep it guarded. People think im always happy. My personality is a very happy one and I want to be happy but Its very much "easier said than done". I will be better soon and want you to know that everyone who cares mean so much to me. Im always here for you... NO MATTER WHAT! You can call me day or night.
Im going to be posting blogs talking about how im doing and more info on Depression... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me stregnth" Phi 4:13
Love and Regards,
Antony