Inscription of Hope

Inscription of Hope

By: Z. Randall Stroope

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining,

and I believe in love, even when there's no one there.

I believe in God even when he is silent,I believe through any trial,there is always a way.

But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair,My heart cries for shelter,to know

someone's there.

But a voice rises within me, saying "hold on, my child.

I'll give you strength, I'll give you hope,just stay a little while."

The Boxer

Last night, after writing my last blog, I prayed that God would help with all the struggles. Something that was really on my mind was the fact that more money that usual has been being taken out of my paycheck. My union is taking there "fees" out in five installments. It truly is double-edged sword but in a few weeks, things will get back to normal. So I prayed and read some scriptures ( especially psalms 121 and psalms 37:4). And then this morning, I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day and the phone rang... It was work!!! They ask me to come in a do a show. This was great. It would mean my check might look normal( Mouseka dance!!)
Right now, I'm listen to a song called " The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel. If you don't know who they are, they are a duo from the seventies that sang a lot of great songs!

The song "The Boxer" is about a young man who left his home to move to the city, struggling to make a living and suffering from loneliness almost gives up on his dream. It is a misconception that the young man singing the song is the boxer but he isn't. The young man looks at the boxer and admires him for the his persistence and endurance and how he draws strength from his passed fights. He uses this to inspire himself to get back up and fight.
This song carries so much... anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, fear, regret, and strength. It's a great fight song about pulling through when everything's against you.

What a concept! Using your passed experiences to move forward and keep going! It just made me think about all the hard times I've had. The heartache. The pain. The Disappointment.
This is a beautiful song that I can personally identify with in matters of love, school and work, among other things. the last few lines are my favorite
"And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down".
We all carry scars and pains that sometimes hurt so bad that we want to quit, just want to scream out "I'M DONE!!!" but the beautiful thing is that those who can fight through all the pain are able to ultimately succeed.

"In the clearing stands a boxer,And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame,"I am leaving, I am leaving."But the fighter still remains"

I guess that's the story of our lives. "I am leaving i am leaving but the fighter still remains."
Let me amend that " I am leaving, I am leaving this life of anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, fear, regret but the fighter in me still remains and will never give up!"

Working hard at being a "Boxer",

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

The plan...

This is very short but It gives me renewed hope

http://www.paulinecards.com/movies/movie2.html

Dreams....

Today I missed my therapist appointment and then my dental appointment. Went to Animal Kingdom with Colecta and watched Lion King.

Watching Lion King made me depressed. Sometimes you just dont feel good enough. I find myself asking " is this really my dream?" If it is, God make it easier. Not getting to my goal, but making the rejection easier to do with. Today was one of those days I just wanted to forget about going any farther and be finished with the "Biz".

To the average person, this is the stupidist thing. But to someone with depression, little things like this makes us want to give up. It hurts just as bad as being stabbed with knife.

You ever have those days where you just want to get away? Where you just want to be someone where that things dont worry you? There was a period after mother died where I spent a lot of money trying to find that place. I was always leaving and flying and drving all over hither, thither,and yon( Southern talk for everywhere).And wherever you go, there are going to be problems. You cant just get rid of them but with help, you can deal with them.

Im Les Miserable, the character Cosette, is just a little girl when her mother dies and she talks about a Castle on a cloud:

"There is a castle on a cloud I like to go there in my sleep Aren't any floors for me to sweep Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a room that's full of toys There are a hundred boys and girls Nobody shouts or talks too loud Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a lady all in white Holds me and sings a lullaby She's nice to see, and she's soft to touch She says: 'Cosette I love you very much.' I know a place where no one's lost I know a place where no one cries Crying at all is not allowed Not in my castle on a cloud. "

I know that we all have those days where we want to go to a "Castle on a Cloud". However, people with Clinical Depression have those days more often and very intensely(If thats a word).

I'm not saying that they want to kill themselves but they just want to get away from everything. I dont want to kill myself. I just want to get away. An Island, A new city, whatever it may be. But you know what, new problems will arise where I go. I just have to learn to deal with it.

You can't always go " Over the Rainbow" or to a "Castle on a cloud" but you can dream. Im trying not to give up on my dream and deal with the things of life.

As I close this blog, Im hurting. I want to feel better and I know I will. I just hope its soon. This is what God has put on my heart

Isaiah 40:31"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run,and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint."

Peace be with you, Always

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Naptime!!!

Well I just got off work. Gonna try and rest. Pray that my voice holds up!!! If I can make it through tomorrow, I will have a few days to recover.

Just a little Quote I found:

"He leads me through each stormy dayjust when I think all hope is gone.When skies are dark I hear Him say"press on my child, you're not alone."

I know not what this day may holdnor if the path be steep to climb,My faith in God will keep me boldTo face this life, one day at a time."

Blessings,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

I've seen fire, I've seen rain.....

Wouldn't you know that it's 12:30 Am and I am still awake. Did I forget to mention I have to work tomorrow? Early shift? But I cant sleep. Colecta, the Advil PM aint workin! Its time for me to go back to the Tylenol!





Looking back on my life, I have had a lot of ups and downs. Many of you probably don't know, but I was born addicted to cocaine. My birth mother and father are both drug addicts.

When I was born, I was in the hospital until I was well enough to go home. But I didn't go home to "Mom and Dad", I went home to my great-grandmother. She is who I consider "Mother". You will often hear me refer to her or tell stories about her.

She was a very wise woman. She always had just the right thing to say. I never had to wonder where I stood. I never had to feel unloved. She always told me that she would be there for me.



For most of my life, it was just she and I. Really, she was the only real family I had. The rest of my family has died or is distant and really doesn't want to be bothered.

But the one thing that was constant was Mother and her love and discipline. She was always strong.



Then the first Sunday in 2005, I came home from church. My Godmother told me that mother had fell and was in a little pain. Like every Sunday, Dinner was ready as soon as I got home and we sat down to dinner. Mother was in pain. She was in her wheelchair and she was trying to stay strong. But I could see it.

I took to the hospital and for the first time in my life saw her cry. She had broken her hip. There she was. The rock of my life. The leader of the band, so very frail and weak.

After that, we found out her heart was to weak for a hip replacement.

One thing I will always remember about mother is that she was stubborn(Now you see where I get it!) and when she made up her mind to do something, she did it.

While I was in Los Angeles at a convention, I got a call to come home. I flew back and saw mother. She said in a weak voice "I love you a bushel and a peck" and I said " and A hug around the neck"



The next morning, I got the phone call that she had died. At that moment, I didnt know what to do. I went to the rehab facility to wait for the Funeral director to come pick her up but I wouldnt let go.

She always held me. Even at the the age of 17, she would just wrap her arms around me when I cried or needed her. For the first time in my life, she wasnt holding me. After the funeral director took her, I drove for hours. The first song I heard was called " Fire and Rain"



I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come



Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way



And Jesus is here with me. And through Him, I'm able to know I will see her again........



Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again.....

We've got ears. Say Cheers??

It's Saturday evening. Im sitting at home reply to emails and such after a not so good day. Since Im going to be writing about my struggle with Clinical depression, Here goes:

Thursday, I went to an evaluation in hopes of finding a new Therapist and Psychiatrist. They asked me a lot of questions poking and proding into my personal life and history( Which really put my brain into over drive!!) I got that done and went to church for praise team practice. I am suppose to see a Doctor next week. ("We've got ears ! Say Cheers!"-Mickey Mouse!)

Yesterday was the "Finding Nemo" Auditions. I went and I sang my best, award-winning, signature song " Sara Lee". My friend Colecta, who is always Blunt and honest with me, told me that I did great! I know that I did great. The judge told me that I needed to find a song that I actually sounded good at singing and then maybe he would consider me for other roles. He was really mean. But that's the life of show biz!

I had Candlelight processional rehearsal and it was good. I love choral music. I truly am a nerd about that stuff. Anywho, the director pointed me and made me the example of how we should look when we're singing. He had me stand up and it made me feel really good and ensured me that I was actually good performing.( We've got ears! Say Super Cheers!-Again, Mickey Mouse)

And then night fell. That is always the hardest time. I got depressed. But I took something and went to sleep in sure hopes and prayers that tomorrow would be better

And then Saturday came.... One of the worst thing about Clinical depression has to be this: being sad for no reason. Today, I really had no reason to be sad, but I just couldnt be happy! I did my job and tried to give it my all, but I couldnt. I just kept wanting to lay down inbetween shows. People would ask what was wrong and I honestly couldnt tell them. The default answer is always "I'm just tired". Smiling is normally something that comes naturally. But not today. Colecta had to remind me to not make my smile look so fake.

There have been to many of those days when Colecta has to remind me of that.( I am so thankful for her! She truly keeps me in line. I love you Colecta!) There are to many days where I can't say "Cheers" as Mickey would put it.

Something i sing everyday is the theme to the new Mickey Mouse club house. At the end of every show, Mickey and the gang all do something called the "Mouseka Dance" ( Which I do everyday!!). Its Called the "Hot Dog Song". The words go like this" Hot dog, hot dog, hot digity dog. Now we got ears, its time for cheers. Hot dog hot the PROBLEM'S SOLVED" to watch, click here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wePMYM4av6Q

Almost every day when I'm singing that song, I want to say to the kids "If only it were that easy". We can't just solve the problem by doing a few things and singing a " Happy Song". People always say " Smile" ( I am very guilty of this) but its not that easy. I really wish that I could do that.

So for tonight, Im just going to pray for a better tomorrow and know that by being proactive in finding a new Doctor and publishing this blog, I may help myself and others.

Hopefully soon I will have my ears. Say Cheers,

Antony

antonylarry.blogspot.com

Something about me you should know

Ok Im gonna start writing
People want to know why I dont go out anymore and whats wrong with me. At work, Im fine and most other places. Its just very hard to explain. About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with Clinical depression. When people think depression, they think its something you can control. Well its not. Depression is a very real disease. I got this from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression

"Although a low mood or state of dejection that does not affect functioning is often colloquially referred to as depression, clinical depression is a clinical diagnosis and may be different from the everyday meaning of "being depressed." Many people identify the feeling of being clinically depressed as "feeling sad for no reason", or "having no motivation to do anything." A person suffering from depression may feel tired, sad, irritable, lazy, unmotivated, and apathetic. Clinical depression is generally acknowledged to be more serious than normal depressed feelings. It often leads to constant negative thinking and sometimes substance abuse or self-harm. Extreme depression can culminate in its sufferers attempting or completing suicide.
Without careful assessment, delirium can easily be confused with depression and a number of other psychiatric disorders because many of the signs and symptoms are conditions present in depression, as well as other mental illnesses including dementia and psychosis.[1]"

This is a very hard thing to deal with. Im my life , it has ruined some really great things. I have had some great relationships. Yes, I have been cheated on and treated badly but I know that my depression has played a role in it.
I am currently in a "transition" stage. I've moved away from home and made a lot of changes. I have a great job. However, something that seems really stupid to the average person can be life and death to a person with depression. Right now, I am in the process of changing meds and seeing a new doctor.
I met a really great guy but my depression and the this transitional stage is a lot more than he can handle and that makes me sad. I really do like him but I need more...but I digress! I just want everyone to have a clear understanding of what depression is and how to deal with it.
I'm one of the lucky ones. Although my depression is VERY BAD right now(I have dont normally admit it, but I know because this is the worst I have felt in a LONG time), I have my faith to sustain me. Most people only think there is one way out, Death. I know that God is helping me get through this and is leading me to the right professionals and friends to help. Some people dont have that and it hurts my heart. We must continue to reach out to people and help them.
A lot of people dont know that i have depression and I have really tried to keep it guarded. People think im always happy. My personality is a very happy one and I want to be happy but Its very much "easier said than done". I will be better soon and want you to know that everyone who cares mean so much to me. Im always here for you... NO MATTER WHAT! You can call me day or night.
Im going to be posting blogs talking about how im doing and more info on Depression... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me stregnth" Phi 4:13
Love and Regards,
Antony