Mother...

This week, I have found myself frustrated a lot about simple things. Things that to most people sound pretty stupid. There was a time, when no matter how simple or stupid something was, someone would be happy or comfort me. It was mother.

I keep catching myself saying things that she would say, doing things she would do, etc.

I would cry. Whenever, I was sad, she was sad. I can still that look in her eyes. She so wanted to cry but instead she would just take my head and put in her lap and tell me " Its gonna be ok. Stop cryin. You're gonna make yourself sick"

Mother always had hope. She so wanted my Birth mother to get better. She always believed that my birth mom would get off drugs. It broke her heart. She raised my Birth mother and loved her so much.

These are the times that I so wish I could have mother here with me. To see me through the hard times. I'm an only child. My family doesn't want to have anything to do with me because of mother's love for me. Yes, it hurts. If I could just hear her voice again. Feel the touch of the soft hands weathered by this earth.

The week of her death, we sang at district competition by Moses hogan Called "Hear My Prayer". The last verse was "When my work on earth is done and you come to take me home just to know I'm bound for glory and to hear you say well done. Done with sin and sorrow. Have mercy . Amen"

Mother, I'm thinking of you. I love you miss so much. I need you here to help me. I love you and know that because of things you have taught me, I can go on.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and ev'rything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings

Mother, I love you a bushel and a peck... You know the rest.

Your Baby,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

I still have a dream

Its almost 2AM. I have a slammed pack day tomorrow. Cant sleep!!!!!! Tonight I went to the 3D version of " The nightmare before Christmas" with my Playndina sisters. We always have so much with each other!

My audition Friday went great! I have a call back for Lion King in 2 weeks.
A friend of mine had an audition that had great results. She always has such a positive outlook on situations and gives people the benefit of the doubt. She has great aspirations and dreams.

In Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman sings a song called " One day I'll fly away". One of my favorite lines goes like this:
...Leave all this to yesterday. What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends.

Dreams are such a great thing. They say so much. Carl Sandburg says this:
"Nothing happens unless first we dream."

How true! We all have something inside that we dream. Something that want to accomplish. Nicole Kidman says: Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day that dreaming ends?
What happens when dreams end? What do we do? Its almost like we have nothing to hope for.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream that , at the time, must have seemed almost impossible. But yet he didn't give up on that dream. He did whatever it took to see that dream was achieved

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream."

AND SO TODAY, I STILL HAVE A DREAM

What is your dream? or Dreams? Imagine your life without a goal or a dream or something to look forward too.

Talking to my friend reminded me that when stop having that hope, that dream, that want for something beyond this world or the situation we live in today, we stay right where we are.

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go

Life is a barren field Frozen with snow.

And so today,I still have a dream.....

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Audition Tomorrow

Tomorrow is an audition at Disney. Yes, Im already singing there. To give you a little insight, I am full-time however, I am only contracted 32 hours. I would love to be able to work an additional show and make more money.

The life of an actor isn't always the big bucks!! So I have to attend every audition possible, especially the ones at Disney. There is a lot stress involved in preporation for an audition. You may have everything prepared, but there always doubts. " Is this the right song for me?" " What to wear?" etc. On wednesday, I got a sore throat!(Just my Luck!!!) Last time I auditioned, The Casting Director kind of hurt my feelings. But I took exactly what he told me and did it. I am sing a song that will show all my emotions and my Vocal range. I will be singing "This is the moment" from Jekyll and Hyde.

This is the moment!

Damn all the odds!This day, or never,

I'll sit forever With the gods!

When I look back,

I will always recall,

Moment for moment,

This was the moment,

The greatest moment Of them all!

And thats how I feel. I feel good about tomorrow. This song really says so much and I know that I am gonna give my all. And you know what thats all I can give. .

Now the time has come

to prove to them Ive made it.

This is the Moment!

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Friends and support

I cant believe it's been almost 8 days sinced I've blogged!! I was kinda down for while but Im doing tons better. Thank God this the last week to pay me union initiation fee! Maybe I will have a normal pay check for once( Hey Glory!! right, colecta?)

I want to say how thankful I am for all my friends. I know that having a support group around you helps you to get through things. Lets face it: We cant do it alone.

This week, I came a cross a very interesting passage in Exodus about support: 17:8-13

When the Israelites were at Rephidim, they were attacked by the Amalekites. So Moses told Joshua, " Have some men ready to attack the Amalekites tomorrow. I will stand on a hilltop, holding this walking stick that has the power of God."
Joshua led the attack as Moses had commanded, while Moses, Aaron, and Hur stood on the hilltop. The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them. Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites.

So the only way that Joshua could win this battle was if Moses could keep his hands raised in Prayer. Moses was no spring chicken and thats a long time to keep your hands raised! But when Moses let his hands downs, Joshua began losing the battle. But then Aaron and hur came supported Moses arms.

This is something that Im realizing now more than ever: You need support. I used to shut my friends out and not them help me. I would help them but when they offered me help, I would say "No thanks. Im ok". But I was only hurting myself. I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I have to have a lot of dental work down. Im saving up for it, however, recently there isnt a lot to save after bills and such. One of my friends offered to give me $100.00 to help witht he most pressing dental work. I kept saying no, but finally I accepted and that will help me tremendously.

Support groups really are a good thing because you can talk with other people who are going through the same thing.

I am really thankful that I gained that I have recently gained a group of really great friends who will let me help them and they will help me too. So many times, we ourselves have tired arms. We just cant hold them up any longer, but praise God that we have wonderful people there to help us. We may think we have no one there to help us hold our hands up but we have to get out there and meet people. If you want to walk on water, you gotta get out of the boat. Look around! Are we not blessed? If you want help, you have to ask for it. Friends wont bail you out of jail, they will be there saying " That was sooo much fun!"

"I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy.Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun." - Charles R.

Swindoll

Your friend,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

Leave A light on.......

I just got home after a somewhat long day. This week for me has been up and down. A lot of you know that tonight was the U2charist at my church. It was awesome.(Colecta thank you so much for everything. I truly dont know what I would do without you. You are a true friend. I love you!) More on The U2charist Tomorrow.

Last night, I felt lost. Not sure what to think. Do you ask yourself the question " Do you know where you're going to?". Diana Ross sang that song in "Mahogany". I just felt like driving last night. I had no Idea where I was going. I have that feeling a lot nowadays. I sometimes just get really sad. I just started driving. I was listening to U2 because I was trying memorize my songs.( I truly have CRS syndrome..Ask me what it means if you dont know) I ended up at my Church, St. Lukes.

While sitting in service a few weeks ago, a guy name John sang a song called " Leave the light on". The music is so beautiful. The words have so much meaning.

It was 9pm when I pulled up at the Church and I didnt expect it to be open but God "Left the light on" for me.

"Leave a light on for me Cause i've been a lot of places And I've learned a lot of lessons And the lessons take their toll. Leave a light on So I can look for what's left Of my soul"

I felt empty. I felt hopeless.

I walk in and went into the prayer chapel and knelt before the Altar.

"Leave a light on for me Cause my world keeps getting bigger But my heart's been getting smaller And it chills me to the bone Leave a light on for me Cause I thought I had the answers But now i've got these questions That won't leave me alone"

I knelt there and just pour out my soul and cried. Screamed. Asked for forgiveness and help.

"Leave a light on for me Cause I've always been a fighter But never knew how much of life Was out of my control Leave a light on Cause right now I can't see where to go"

I admitted I didnt know where I was going.

There was this light on for me. I know that God lead me just where he wanted me to go.

What was left of my soul?

I dont want to get into to much detail but it was bad last night and it has been getting worse. This week, I see my psychiatrist. I know that God will have that candle burning for me then too.

I want you to know that there is ALWAYS A light left on for you. And as much as we feel that the light has gone out, it hasnt. It may be hard to see because of all the fog or smoke or whatever it is...But its on. And its on just for you. I know that if hadnt gone to that church last night, I dont know where I would be.

John 8:12 "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."

Last night, I followed the light. Always remember: as long we seek it, the light will never be turned off.

"Leave a light on And maybe this time Leave a light on And maybe this time Leave a light on and maybe this time...I'll believe."

Learning to follow the Light,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/

Oh, What A Night!

Just some ponderin' for the moment

( The next blog will be more thought provoking, I PROMISE!)

Oh what a night! I could write a book on how many times I have called a close friend to say that. I would call A friend and talk about how wonderful the date I went on the night before was. What sparked this thought? I was sitting on my porch just pondering the things of life while random music was playing on my playlist. Every once and a while, I would listen to the song that came on and it would remind me of someone or something that happened. And then I heard "Oh what a night"

This time last year, I was in a relationship with someone. Now me being the good southern wo-MAN that I am, I would never have anyone move in with me or I move in with them. But this was different. For some reason, we moved in together. This was after maybe a MONTH of dating!( Don't ask. Some things you just think will work out!!) But it didn't work out. That's the end of that!

I after my first date with this person how I felt. The first thing that came out of my mouth when I called my friend was "Oh what a night!".

It's been a very long time since I've said that famous phrase. It has almost disappeared from my vocabulary. "Oh, what a night!Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me.He was everything I dreamed he'd be Sweet surrender, what a night!I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under". I can just BARELY remember that feeling.

That's thing that hurts so much. The feeling of not feeling attractive. At one time, I had the feeling that when I walked into the room, someone at least thought" What a hottie!".

I'm gonna really just vent about whats wrong with a great majority of men today. Especially men of the "Homo" persuasion. Its seems all they want is SEX! And the really sad thing is, they will do almost anything to get there. I have learned that they will lay the ground work and take as much time as it takes just get the one thing they want. They don't mind going to movies, or walking on the beach, or dinner and they will swear on everything that they don't want to have sex until you're ready. And then there you are, one to many glasses of wine. And there are pour more into the glass...

Sorry, a bad flashback......

But where are those who want only to get to know you and spend time with you? Those that have no ulterior motives?Those that look at you and think " What an awesome person" not " I wonder if I'm gonna get some?" And for those who say to me " No, I really don't want anything more than just to get to know you", It will take a long time for me to believe that. You can thank every other one that has not lived up to that statement before.

It's sad, isn't it? This strange and funny new definition of Love!

Oh, what a night!

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com

The heat of the Kiln

"The raw, unfired vessels created by a potter can't hold water.

The colorful glazes, without firing, will fade and run.

There is no brilliant shine or interesting meld of texture and hue without the intense heat of the kiln.

An unfired pot just won't last.

Fired pottery is some of the most indestructible material on earth, telling the story of civilizations when everything else has disappeared.

We grow spiritually through the trials of life, because God's grace never leaves us."

-The Rev. LeeAnn Inman

Just a lump of Clay!

I can't believe its October 1st already. My, how the time flies!

Yesterday, went to Church. I made a BUNCH of sweet potato pies for "food for the soul" Sunday. Lets just say, I dont want to see another sweet potato for a LONG TIME!! Today, I went to the dentist. Had the regular stuff done. Im so thankful the I now have health insurance. However, Im gonna have to take out a loan or sell some blood/plasma to get all the necessary dental work done!(just kidding!!!)

Yesterday morning, LeeAnn preached. For those of you who dont know, LeeAnn is great friend of mine and has been my Pastor for many years. When I moved to Orlando, she was moved by the Bishop to my Church, St. Lukes.( God definitely has a plan!)

LeeAnn is the minister of Spiritual formation at St. Lukes. She talked yesterday about Grace and how we are formed spiritually(hence her title: Minister of Spiritual Formation. I will have more on the exacts once I can sit down and re-read her sermon) But after the sermon, our praise team sang " The Potter's Hands".

There were so many thought thats began running through my head. The message was simple: He is the Potter and we are the Clay. But I began to the think for the perspective of the clay. If I am the Clay, I dont know what Im going to end up. I can hope. I can try and move in a way that make me what I want to be, but ultimately, the potter knows whats going to be of me. He has a plan. He is the sculptor. The one with the experience. Im not. Im just a lump of Clay, dagnabit!

With my life, I know the things that I want and I do ask " why do have to go through these trials?"

There are some nights I just dont know what to do. I just want to give up. I just dont want to go ahead. But softly, I hear the sound of the table turning and see the lump of clay being "Molded" and I hear The Potter say " just trust me. I know what I'm doin".

I just began to cry during that song. I looked at the clay pots of all different sizes and shapes that someone had crafted.

"Take me, mold me, use me, fill me...I give my life to the potter's hand"

"I know you're drawing me to yourself lead me, Lord, I pray."

I know that we are all going through things so that we can be formed and shaped into the beautiful pots that we are suppose to be.

The only the ask, God, is that you dont make this pot to big around me the middle!LOL

Being molded by The Potter,

Antony

http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/