Im sitting here tonight. My mind is in a million places. I promised a friend I would be very careful in what I post, so Im going to try and make this very general.
Im very nevous, scared, excited, and I dont know, way to full of emotion thinking of the ending of 2008. I have never been so ready for something to end but at the same time not wanting to let go. 2008 has been a very Hard year but has taught me so much. However it has taught me way to much way to fast.(I will be writing a new years letter explaining everything)
As I go into 2009, my life will be changing in so many ways. Im just going to say that I am very thankful for all my friends. January 1 will start a time when I am not going to be able to do certain things I use to.
Im not gonna to say that with new year I am going to change. Life and 2008 has already done the changing. It has forced my life to be pushed to the limit.
This is how I am going to pursue 2009:
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Bah Humbug
Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of year. Snowflakes in the air, carols everywhere, olden times and ancient rhymes and love and dreams to share.
In the words Ebenezer Scrooge " Bah Humbug!" I really hate that I feel that way. Christmas use to be my favorite time of the year. Memories of putting up Christmas decorations with mother while listening to old 45' records(You know the ones with the RCA dog on the front) playing Silver Bells and The Little Drummer boy. I wasn't born in the 40's however, we were just old fashion!
The Decorations were the same for as long as I can remember. It grew each year with things I made in school. Mother always thought they were great! I knew that they looked like shit. Hell, I didn't even want to bring them home!
The big plastic door cover of Santa. The Manger scene that seem to lose people each year.(I was clumsy!) The plastic stable that held the Christmas card. Christmas cards on display.
I always loved that feeling. The feeling of coming home to the love and care-free spirit of Christmas.
With my Godmother, Christmas was the same way. The difference was I would ALWAYS go Christmas shopping with my Godmother. For as long as I can remember, she and I would walk everyone mile in North Florida by gifts for everyone. My Godmother was the kinda person the bought EVERYONE a gift. (After she died in January, we found a gift card she bought for one of my ex boyfriends) If she couldn't get you something you wanted, she would give you cash or a gift card attached with something for your sweet tooth. We would chocolate candy and gift cards to have on hand just in case we forgot someone. Like the sweet cashier at Food Lion.
The funny thing is, I never saw her buy me a gift. Somehow, every year, I would wake up and their would be all kinds of gifts with my name on them. (Its really hard thinking about those times)
This year, the spirit of Christmas is gone far from me. As much as want to be in the spirit, I just cant get into it. When I try, I get sad and then my sadness comes through as anger because I don't want to show my sadness.
The Question this year isn't " Where are you, Christmas?". The Question is " Why are you here, Christmas?"
I pray that my Christmas has the same result as Scrooges'.
Antony
Saturday, November 22, 2008
...Fades like the morning dew
Hey Yall!
We I've got some juicy gossip! Well not really gossip because I got it straight from the horses mouth! LOL
Last night, I was talking with a friend who has been talking to a guy since January 2008. Sometimes talking on the phone with him for hours!( Something I Cannot do)Going to lunch once a week and picking up the tab. She really likes him. I mean Really! My friend has had sex with him once but she is truly attracted to his mind and character. She's slowly but surely, seeing who he really is: A user who really wasnt listening to her. If you are more than friends since January and have sex one time, somethin' in the milk ain't clean! (As Mother and Godma would say).
After going to lunch today, the guy asked my friend about her thanksgiving plans. She told him that she didnt know because this thanksgiving is difficult.(She also lost her last parent this year) He asked "Why?"
The Response (paraphrasing) Listen, Brotha, If you dont know why, you havent been listening to me for the last 11 months. My Mother is dead!
My friend summarized her feelings and thoughts about this holiday season and I had to agree. I relate. I am feeling that Pain. "All I want is someone to sit down and let me cry on their shoulder. Someone who will take me out dancing where there's no Christmas music. Someone who loves me All the Way for Once in my life!"(Frank and Stevie).
She thought that person would be there for her but he isnt. He just wanted a hand-out. It's hard being alone. Especially during the Holidays. Most of all, when you are left an Orphan for the 1st time.
"I leaned my back again a young oak thinking he was a trusty tree. But first he bended and then He broke. Thus did my love prove false.
Love grows old and waxes cold and fades away like the morning dew."
-English folk song
We I've got some juicy gossip! Well not really gossip because I got it straight from the horses mouth! LOL
Last night, I was talking with a friend who has been talking to a guy since January 2008. Sometimes talking on the phone with him for hours!( Something I Cannot do)Going to lunch once a week and picking up the tab. She really likes him. I mean Really! My friend has had sex with him once but she is truly attracted to his mind and character. She's slowly but surely, seeing who he really is: A user who really wasnt listening to her. If you are more than friends since January and have sex one time, somethin' in the milk ain't clean! (As Mother and Godma would say).
After going to lunch today, the guy asked my friend about her thanksgiving plans. She told him that she didnt know because this thanksgiving is difficult.(She also lost her last parent this year) He asked "Why?"
The Response (paraphrasing) Listen, Brotha, If you dont know why, you havent been listening to me for the last 11 months. My Mother is dead!
My friend summarized her feelings and thoughts about this holiday season and I had to agree. I relate. I am feeling that Pain. "All I want is someone to sit down and let me cry on their shoulder. Someone who will take me out dancing where there's no Christmas music. Someone who loves me All the Way for Once in my life!"(Frank and Stevie).
She thought that person would be there for her but he isnt. He just wanted a hand-out. It's hard being alone. Especially during the Holidays. Most of all, when you are left an Orphan for the 1st time.
"I leaned my back again a young oak thinking he was a trusty tree. But first he bended and then He broke. Thus did my love prove false.
Love grows old and waxes cold and fades away like the morning dew."
-English folk song
Antony
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Ive seen fire, Ive seen rain (repost/edit of 9/25/07)
I feel like I need to re post this from my Blogspot (www.antonylarry.blogspot.com) website. When I wrote this, My Godmother was still alive; however, I have tried to modify some things.I cant help that Im thinking about things of the past. Im trying to overcome the heartache. Its hard on the new project: Current life: 2008
Looking back on my life, I have had a lot of ups and downs. Many of you probably don't know, but I was born addicted to cocaine. My birth mother and father are both drug addicts.When I was born, I was in the hospital until I was well enough to go home. But I didn't go home to "Mom and Dad", I went home to my great-grandmother(Mother). She is who I consider "Mother". You will often hear me refer to her or tell stories about her.
She was a very wise woman. She always had just the right thing to say. I never had to wonder where I stood. I never had to feel unloved. She always told me that she would be there for me.
For most of my life, it was just My Godmother, Her and me . Really, those were the only real family I had. The rest of my family has died or is distant and really doesn't want to be bothered.
But the one thing that was constant was Mother and her love and discipline( My Godmother is always reminding me of that! Especially the discipline part!). Mother was always strong.
Then the first Sunday in 2005, I came home from church. My Godmother told me that mother had fell and was in a little pain. Like every Sunday, Dinner was ready as soon as I got home and we sat down to dinner. Mother was in pain. She was in her wheelchair and she was trying to stay strong. But I could see it.I took her to the hospital.
For the first time in my life, I saw her cry. She had broken her hip. There she was. The rock of my life. The leader of the band, so very frail and weak.
After that, we found out her heart was to weak for a hip replacement.One thing I will always remember about mother is that she was stubborn(Now you see where I get it!) and when she made up her mind to do something, she did it.
While I was in Los Angeles at a convention, I got a call to come home. My Godmother put the phone up to mother and I told her I would be there soon. She said " I love you". I said " Alright sista. I love you too. See you soon."
I flew back and saw mother. She said in a weak voice "I love you a bushel and a peck" and I said " and A hug around the neck"( This was an old song that she taught me.We use to sing it whenever I had to leave her)
The next morning, In Chorus class, the phone rang. My Chorus teacher and friend, Kathy answered it. She gently said " Nana(mother) has gone to Heaven."
At that moment, I didnt know what to do.I screamed and cried not knowing what else to do. I went to the rehab facility where Mother was to wait for the Funeral director to come pick her up but when they did, I wouldnt let go.
She always held me. Even at the the age of 17, she would just wrap her arms around me when I cried or needed her. For the first time in my life, she wasnt holding me. I wanted to feel her arms around me. All I could do was hold on to her with everything that was in me. After the funeral director took her, I drove for hours with no destination. The first song I heard was called " Fire and Rain"
I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to comeWon't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way
Antony
http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/
oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again.....
Looking back on my life, I have had a lot of ups and downs. Many of you probably don't know, but I was born addicted to cocaine. My birth mother and father are both drug addicts.When I was born, I was in the hospital until I was well enough to go home. But I didn't go home to "Mom and Dad", I went home to my great-grandmother(Mother). She is who I consider "Mother". You will often hear me refer to her or tell stories about her.
She was a very wise woman. She always had just the right thing to say. I never had to wonder where I stood. I never had to feel unloved. She always told me that she would be there for me.
For most of my life, it was just My Godmother, Her and me . Really, those were the only real family I had. The rest of my family has died or is distant and really doesn't want to be bothered.
But the one thing that was constant was Mother and her love and discipline( My Godmother is always reminding me of that! Especially the discipline part!). Mother was always strong.
Then the first Sunday in 2005, I came home from church. My Godmother told me that mother had fell and was in a little pain. Like every Sunday, Dinner was ready as soon as I got home and we sat down to dinner. Mother was in pain. She was in her wheelchair and she was trying to stay strong. But I could see it.I took her to the hospital.
For the first time in my life, I saw her cry. She had broken her hip. There she was. The rock of my life. The leader of the band, so very frail and weak.
After that, we found out her heart was to weak for a hip replacement.One thing I will always remember about mother is that she was stubborn(Now you see where I get it!) and when she made up her mind to do something, she did it.
While I was in Los Angeles at a convention, I got a call to come home. My Godmother put the phone up to mother and I told her I would be there soon. She said " I love you". I said " Alright sista. I love you too. See you soon."
I flew back and saw mother. She said in a weak voice "I love you a bushel and a peck" and I said " and A hug around the neck"( This was an old song that she taught me.We use to sing it whenever I had to leave her)
The next morning, In Chorus class, the phone rang. My Chorus teacher and friend, Kathy answered it. She gently said " Nana(mother) has gone to Heaven."
At that moment, I didnt know what to do.I screamed and cried not knowing what else to do. I went to the rehab facility where Mother was to wait for the Funeral director to come pick her up but when they did, I wouldnt let go.
She always held me. Even at the the age of 17, she would just wrap her arms around me when I cried or needed her. For the first time in my life, she wasnt holding me. I wanted to feel her arms around me. All I could do was hold on to her with everything that was in me. After the funeral director took her, I drove for hours with no destination. The first song I heard was called " Fire and Rain"
I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Won't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to comeWon't you look down upon me, Jesus You've got to help me make a stand You've just got to see me through another day My body's aching and my time is at hand And I won't make it any other way
Antony
http://antonylarry.blogspot.com/
oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again.....
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Change of season?
It's that time of year when the dog days of summer turn into fall. Here in Florida, we very rarely see fall! If we do, it's happens in Winter and that confuses everyone until Spring!
The change of seasons has never really affected me. I have a vague memory as a child seeing our beautiful Dogwood tree change colors and wondering why. I love the fact that there’s a certainty, a progress to the year that you can count on almost like nothing else in this world whether you notice it or not. For the first time in my life, I am seeing that Fall doesn't care if you’re sad or depressed, it’s coming nonetheless. And winter won’t hold off until you’re feeling less anxious or manic. The seasons will change no matter what happens in our lives .
This year, I seem to lose track of days and weeks that melt into months and before I know it, another season has come and gone. I look back on it and say, “What do I have to show for the past 3 months?” Sometimes, not a lot. Sometimes I will think only in terms of my work. Another day working for the Big Cheese!
I'm sad that I am recognizing the change of Seasons this year. With the crisp night air(Tonight is in the low 70s! Gotta love Florida!), I can't help but think of where my life was last time Fall. I can't help but think of how much my life has change and the pain that has come with change.
The sad reality is that Life goes on. Seasons change. People enter and leave our lives. Shit happens!
I guess we just have to deal with the changes and move on( With the help of God). Reality sucks sometimes!
The change of seasons has never really affected me. I have a vague memory as a child seeing our beautiful Dogwood tree change colors and wondering why. I love the fact that there’s a certainty, a progress to the year that you can count on almost like nothing else in this world whether you notice it or not. For the first time in my life, I am seeing that Fall doesn't care if you’re sad or depressed, it’s coming nonetheless. And winter won’t hold off until you’re feeling less anxious or manic. The seasons will change no matter what happens in our lives .
This year, I seem to lose track of days and weeks that melt into months and before I know it, another season has come and gone. I look back on it and say, “What do I have to show for the past 3 months?” Sometimes, not a lot. Sometimes I will think only in terms of my work. Another day working for the Big Cheese!
I'm sad that I am recognizing the change of Seasons this year. With the crisp night air(Tonight is in the low 70s! Gotta love Florida!), I can't help but think of where my life was last time Fall. I can't help but think of how much my life has change and the pain that has come with change.
The sad reality is that Life goes on. Seasons change. People enter and leave our lives. Shit happens!
I guess we just have to deal with the changes and move on( With the help of God). Reality sucks sometimes!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
See, I am making all things new!
Last week, I had to somethings that I really wasn't looking forward to. I had to go back to my "Hometown" of Green Cove Springs, Florida and get things in order. I had to tie up loose ends that came as a result of my Godmothers' death.
Going back to this place bring up old memories, good and bad. From the time I left Orlando till the time I got there, my heart was racing! My mind was in a million different places. I was going back to a place I haven't been to in almost a year. A place where I had seen the people I love die. The place where I saw anguish of people who couldn't get ahead. High school friends who now sell drug or are addicted to them. But most of all, my very own birth-mother.
I hadn't seen her in a very long time. It's hard for me because of how bad drugs has messed her up. We embraced and spoke for all of 5 minutes because their was just nothing to talk about that she could understand. What she did say was " Don't cry, Ant. Be Strong. Don't cry". If you know me, that just made the water works fly.
I will talk about the trip more later.
Something that has been running through my mind over and over again is a verse from Revelation(The book of The Bible I can't make it through). It seems every time I am so depressed, when I just want to give up, I hear
"See, I am making all things new"
This verse, on the surface, speaks of what will supposedly happen in the end days and is also used a lot at funeral to talk about life after death.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes," John writes. Not simply each and every one of our tears, but each and every kind of tear that streaks our cheeks and wets our pillows. Tears of sorrow will be wiped away as will tears of shame. Tears of anger, bitter tears will be wiped away. Tears pleading for justice ignored and tears anguishing over disappointment and regret. They will all be wiped away.
The thing that keeps me sane is believing that God is allowing all these things to happen because is making me new. Without going through all the crap that we have gone through, we could feel new. We couldn't feel that we have learned anything.
Can you see the new things just over the horizon? I can. They may be blurred or just a shadow but they are there.
Hold on to the belief that things that happen in life are making you new. Restoring you. Honestly, that is the ONLY reason I am holding on. If it weren't for that, life would be just a joke.
"See, I am making all things new!"
Antony
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I guess I'm human!
I don't know what to say right now.
This last month there has been so much anger, pain, grief welling up inside me.( The funny thing is I started Wellbutrin and have great moments! But then there are bad one too!)
Tonight, Rent: Live from Broadway was showing here in Orlando. It was a great opportunity to "Rent" as if I was sitting in the audience in New york! My friends from church invited me and I love being with them. Honestly, If I didn't have them, my best friend, Kathy, and Colecta, I would have NO ONE! People say all the time " I'm here for you" but the deliver on that promise!
The Story has to do with the Aids epidemic but it also goes a lot deeper. It talks about love, the journey of life, caring, and I really think that if you look deep enough, you can see the writer of the show yearning to hear from a Higher being. Someone to give him Answers.
Throughout this touching, emotional, heart-wrenching story, I did not cry. I have seen the Movie a million times and cry every time I see it! But I think that my heart was hardened this time. I didn't want to feel emotions. I tried to look at it as a professional actor wanting to improve his skills.
Towards the end, I saw a particular scene where 2 lovers reunited, Mimi and Roger.
Mimi is near death, but regains consciousness and says, "I was heading toward this warm, white light. And I swear, Angel was there and she looked good! She told me, 'Turn around, girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song.'
And just like that, she come back to life.
I got so angry. I truly thought What a load of Bullshit!
I remember sitting by Mother's(Nana) bed-side at the age of 17, singing her songs. Laying in the bed next to her fragile body. Wanting her to just sing with me like she did when I was younger. My Birth mother was a drug addict who doesn't even know me anymore because of Drugs!
Just 9 months ago, I sat at the bed-side of my Godmother, the last person who could be called a relative, and sang. I made jokes about me seeing this good-looking doctor and needed her to get up so I could use the bed.
At the age of 6, she came into my life and changed it forever and then one day, out of the blue, she collapses and is in a coma, brain dead.
As much as I prayed, begged, screamed for them to wake up, it didn't happen. They didn't hear My song.
I always keep my faith in God. I know that He is there. But I'm tired of smiling and pretending everything is OK. God is late! I just keep praising Him and reading of how much He loves me.
For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I'm scared that God wont arrive in time. He is always there, but I feel like He's taking " The fifth". I know.. Me, Antony, the one who has so much faith and never doubts God.
I'm acting like a human now who is tired of feeling sad, angry and helpless. I'm waiting to be Fully Cover by God. This is gonna sound harsh and some people may get mad at me and stop reading my blog... But I want God to deliver on the promise that He would " Cover Me".
I need you God. Please, show me my next " Season of Love"
Antony
This last month there has been so much anger, pain, grief welling up inside me.( The funny thing is I started Wellbutrin and have great moments! But then there are bad one too!)
Tonight, Rent: Live from Broadway was showing here in Orlando. It was a great opportunity to "Rent" as if I was sitting in the audience in New york! My friends from church invited me and I love being with them. Honestly, If I didn't have them, my best friend, Kathy, and Colecta, I would have NO ONE! People say all the time " I'm here for you" but the deliver on that promise!
The Story has to do with the Aids epidemic but it also goes a lot deeper. It talks about love, the journey of life, caring, and I really think that if you look deep enough, you can see the writer of the show yearning to hear from a Higher being. Someone to give him Answers.
Throughout this touching, emotional, heart-wrenching story, I did not cry. I have seen the Movie a million times and cry every time I see it! But I think that my heart was hardened this time. I didn't want to feel emotions. I tried to look at it as a professional actor wanting to improve his skills.
Towards the end, I saw a particular scene where 2 lovers reunited, Mimi and Roger.
Mimi is near death, but regains consciousness and says, "I was heading toward this warm, white light. And I swear, Angel was there and she looked good! She told me, 'Turn around, girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song.'
And just like that, she come back to life.
I got so angry. I truly thought What a load of Bullshit!
I remember sitting by Mother's(Nana) bed-side at the age of 17, singing her songs. Laying in the bed next to her fragile body. Wanting her to just sing with me like she did when I was younger. My Birth mother was a drug addict who doesn't even know me anymore because of Drugs!
Just 9 months ago, I sat at the bed-side of my Godmother, the last person who could be called a relative, and sang. I made jokes about me seeing this good-looking doctor and needed her to get up so I could use the bed.
At the age of 6, she came into my life and changed it forever and then one day, out of the blue, she collapses and is in a coma, brain dead.
As much as I prayed, begged, screamed for them to wake up, it didn't happen. They didn't hear My song.
I always keep my faith in God. I know that He is there. But I'm tired of smiling and pretending everything is OK. God is late! I just keep praising Him and reading of how much He loves me.
For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I'm scared that God wont arrive in time. He is always there, but I feel like He's taking " The fifth". I know.. Me, Antony, the one who has so much faith and never doubts God.
I'm acting like a human now who is tired of feeling sad, angry and helpless. I'm waiting to be Fully Cover by God. This is gonna sound harsh and some people may get mad at me and stop reading my blog... But I want God to deliver on the promise that He would " Cover Me".
I need you God. Please, show me my next " Season of Love"
Antony
Monday, September 22, 2008
And the Dish ran away with the spoon!
Growing up, I used to hear and read the rhyme
"Hey diddle diddle,
The cat played the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
The cat played the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
I guess, even when I was still unable to tie my own shoe or able to wipe my own nose, I was still asking questions of this rhyme. When I was probably 6 or 7, Mother took the book that held this rhyme away from me. I think the main reason was because I wouldn't stop interrogating her about the background of the story.
I don't know what it was about this rhyme but it raised alot of suspicion in my mind. Think about it: Who is Diddle? Cats obviously can't learn music, much less play a fiddle!(For those who aren't southern, that's a violin!) A huge cow jumping over the moon! That the moon is way to far away! I guess the dog was the only one who was as crazy as me to wonder why the hell this was happening and laughed probably thinking he was on a bad acid trip!
But the very last line is what got me.... And the dish ran away with the spoon.
The Dish and the spoon are very different. One is metal and one is ceramic.( And if you lived in my house, they never had any interaction because your spoon should never scrap your soup dish! That was just a no-no!) But for some reason, at the end of the story, these two had the happy ending. Who would have guessed that, of all dinnerware, they would run away together?!? Not only that, they made it public in a story that had nothing to do with love or anything pertaining to them! What's their story? What happen to make them just run away with other? Was one more dominate that the other? So many Questions!
I don't know why I am writing this story in such detail, but I must believe that this is somehow related to how God somehow works in our lives: Everything before that last line of the rhyme doesn't make sense to most people, but the last thing we hear is about LOVE : And the dish ran away with spoon.
I don't know exactly why things have happen to each one of our lives the way that have, but I do know that it all goes back to love: Love with our self, someone else, and in most of all the Love of God.
Personally, the things that have happen to me hurt a lot. I know that it's all part of a plan but that doesn't mean those things make sense! I do know, and always remind myself that the end will be all about Love and how much I am loved.
When we are sitting in a rocking chair, reading to our grandchildren the stories of The Bible and most of all, our personal story, we will get to the last page and it will read:
" The dish(God) ran away with the spoon( Me, You)
And we will smile that we have made it to end of the sometime unbelievable, crazy, story.
Antony
Monday, August 18, 2008
A few seconds of thrill!
So this blog is a little bit different from my other blogs. I'm going to talk about something use to be a very sacred thing in society.... SEX!
So what prompted me to talk about this? Yesterday, an old friend sent me a message. At first, it started out like usual, talking about whats going on with life and stuff and then it shifted. He said he wanted to have sex.
My response was: I'm not really looking for sex.
Well what did I say that for?!? I got accused of everything in the book and called everything but a child of God!
I wasn't going to reply and just " Let go and let God" but I have to much of my mother inside of me to do that.
I explained to him that I have been single now for while. Approaching the two year mark.
He wanted to know what that has to do with having sex. "You are just a snob. A goodie good!"
At this time, I was ready to lay down my protestant, Good United Methodist woman religion and tell him to kiss my ass but then decided he might like that to much!
Before I go on, I want to make it public that I have my fair share of sex. Been there! Done that! Got the penicillin to prove it!( Just kidding!!!) But being single for so long and developed a deeper relationship with God, I don't feel the need to have sex for fun.
Call me old fashion, but I believe that sex is something sacred and is a beautiful gift from God in order to bring two people together in intimacy, to bind the love between them In this context it leads to healthy relationships, joy and happiness. The lie is that sex is a commodity to be bought and sold, to degrade, to use for pleasure and play as a game. This beautiful gift is corrupted into a lie for what sex really is.
I can't tell you how many emotional scars I have from just " having sex". Some people can sex and it mean nothing to them, but I can't. Even when I tell myself that it means nothing, my soul feels different.
I am human just like everyone else. Pleasure is a good thing but, as my Godmother use to say, " Is a few seconds of thrill worth bein' hurt over?"
No. It's not. I'm no better than anyone else. However, until I find someone who I care about enough to open up my whole self and give them not just the intimacy of my body but also my soul, I guess I will be not be having sex.
So to that person who wants to just have sex, I know just the person you can do it with: YOURSELF!
Antony
So what prompted me to talk about this? Yesterday, an old friend sent me a message. At first, it started out like usual, talking about whats going on with life and stuff and then it shifted. He said he wanted to have sex.
My response was: I'm not really looking for sex.
Well what did I say that for?!? I got accused of everything in the book and called everything but a child of God!
I wasn't going to reply and just " Let go and let God" but I have to much of my mother inside of me to do that.
I explained to him that I have been single now for while. Approaching the two year mark.
He wanted to know what that has to do with having sex. "You are just a snob. A goodie good!"
At this time, I was ready to lay down my protestant, Good United Methodist woman religion and tell him to kiss my ass but then decided he might like that to much!
Before I go on, I want to make it public that I have my fair share of sex. Been there! Done that! Got the penicillin to prove it!( Just kidding!!!) But being single for so long and developed a deeper relationship with God, I don't feel the need to have sex for fun.
Call me old fashion, but I believe that sex is something sacred and is a beautiful gift from God in order to bring two people together in intimacy, to bind the love between them In this context it leads to healthy relationships, joy and happiness. The lie is that sex is a commodity to be bought and sold, to degrade, to use for pleasure and play as a game. This beautiful gift is corrupted into a lie for what sex really is.
I can't tell you how many emotional scars I have from just " having sex". Some people can sex and it mean nothing to them, but I can't. Even when I tell myself that it means nothing, my soul feels different.
I am human just like everyone else. Pleasure is a good thing but, as my Godmother use to say, " Is a few seconds of thrill worth bein' hurt over?"
No. It's not. I'm no better than anyone else. However, until I find someone who I care about enough to open up my whole self and give them not just the intimacy of my body but also my soul, I guess I will be not be having sex.
So to that person who wants to just have sex, I know just the person you can do it with: YOURSELF!
Antony
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Like Home......
I am realizing that people are getting to know me through this blog. And that's a good thing. This past week, I've had some friends in town. A dear friend, Leslie, and her family. We really haven't spent a lot of time together because I've been working and they've been the park thing and I'm not really into park hopping!
Tonight, we wrapped up their visit. We had dinner at one of my favorite, the Celebration Town Tavern.(For those of you who don't live in central Florida, Celebration is a beautiful small community that reminds me of Pleasantville.) At the end of dinner, it was time for business.
Leslie is a very high profile realtor in Florida and knows her stuff. The time has come for me to sell mother's house. The house where I was raised. The house where I skinned me and knees and peed the bed.(Some time's, all in the same day!) A beautiful brick home with a big yard that holds so many memories. A place that was my home.
Last week, when I went back to Jacksonville for my a distant Aunt's funeral, was the first time I had been back since my Godmother died. I didn't want to be there. The town no longer feels like home. At ALL! I went to that house. Once, that house was the biggest, most well-maintained house in the neighborhood. When I looked at it on my last visit, It took all within me from screaming at the horror of how it looked.
When mother died, she left the house to me. It was a true hassle trying to keep it updated but When I moved to Orlando, I didn't have to worry about it. My Godmother took care of it and since she's been gone. the whole has been gone down.
I never thought that I would ever have to sell this house. This home. This place that mother put so much love into building but Its time. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tonight, Leslie had me filling out the paperwork and told me how much she thought the house would sell for. When she did, I began to cry. This house that was once appraised at $200,000 may sell for $35,000 if we're lucky.
It was the price that made me cry. It was the way things change so quickly. How people come and go from our lives so fast. How we have a home one day and the next are going from pillar to post trying to find that home.
I know that God is real and I trust Him. Normally at this part of my blog, I put something inspirational in to make everything better but I can't. I am hurt. There is so much weighing on me down that I just want to crawl up in a ball die.
Dammit! It hurts. I just want things to get better. These wounds just wont seem to heal. Shit! I wouldn't give anything to just have a scar but I don't have that. The wounds are wide open and wont shut. And I don't want to bleed to death.
When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me
And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like me
Like home...
Tonight, we wrapped up their visit. We had dinner at one of my favorite, the Celebration Town Tavern.(For those of you who don't live in central Florida, Celebration is a beautiful small community that reminds me of Pleasantville.) At the end of dinner, it was time for business.
Leslie is a very high profile realtor in Florida and knows her stuff. The time has come for me to sell mother's house. The house where I was raised. The house where I skinned me and knees and peed the bed.(Some time's, all in the same day!) A beautiful brick home with a big yard that holds so many memories. A place that was my home.
Last week, when I went back to Jacksonville for my a distant Aunt's funeral, was the first time I had been back since my Godmother died. I didn't want to be there. The town no longer feels like home. At ALL! I went to that house. Once, that house was the biggest, most well-maintained house in the neighborhood. When I looked at it on my last visit, It took all within me from screaming at the horror of how it looked.
When mother died, she left the house to me. It was a true hassle trying to keep it updated but When I moved to Orlando, I didn't have to worry about it. My Godmother took care of it and since she's been gone. the whole has been gone down.
I never thought that I would ever have to sell this house. This home. This place that mother put so much love into building but Its time. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tonight, Leslie had me filling out the paperwork and told me how much she thought the house would sell for. When she did, I began to cry. This house that was once appraised at $200,000 may sell for $35,000 if we're lucky.
It was the price that made me cry. It was the way things change so quickly. How people come and go from our lives so fast. How we have a home one day and the next are going from pillar to post trying to find that home.
I know that God is real and I trust Him. Normally at this part of my blog, I put something inspirational in to make everything better but I can't. I am hurt. There is so much weighing on me down that I just want to crawl up in a ball die.
Dammit! It hurts. I just want things to get better. These wounds just wont seem to heal. Shit! I wouldn't give anything to just have a scar but I don't have that. The wounds are wide open and wont shut. And I don't want to bleed to death.
When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me
And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like me
Like home...
Antony
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
A Meal that is AWESOME!!!
Have you ever tasted something that taste so good it made you wanna shout? Made you wanna Slap yo Mama? Tasted something that was better than anything you put in your mouth?
Have you ever tasted something that reminded you of the past? Or Home?
Working at Disney, I've know a lot of people who are away from temporarily. They will return to home or family as soon as there program is over. They are in new territory, In a place that is total foreign to them; a different region, state, or Country.
On Friday, my dearest friend and co-worker, Colecta, had visitors. It was Mother, Father, and youngest brother, Daniel. They are a very sweet, close, and big family. They have a bond that most families have.
I have come love all of Colecta's family but most of all, her mother, Mrs. Johnson. She is a very sweet woman with a caring spirit. She cares about all those that cross her path. She is Honest and frank but intertwines that honesty with Love.
That Friday night, I was inviting over to enjoy some of her WONDERFUL southern, comfort cooking. ( I knew that it was the real deal because I had it on Thanksgiving 2007 when they we're here). I knew I was in for a real treat!
On Friday, I ate that food like a starving kid from a poor, desolate country.
Mrs. Johnson left today and she left me several plates of different kinds of food.( Collared Greens, Macaroni and Cheese, Cornbread, Chicken) True Southern Food.
Tonight, When I returned home from rehearsal, Warmed the food up and ate it. The only different in tonight and Friday was that I wasn't as hungry tonight as I was then. Tonight, I got to savor each bite.
It was SOOOO good. With the first bite of it, It took me back to times gone by. Times that I missed so much. It took me back to when I was a child and enjoyed Mother's food and my Godmother's food. It reminded me of times when all the family and friend's would get together to celebrate. They might get together Celebrate life, Birthdays, Anniversary, death or Life in general.
I miss those times! My heart yearns to be able to have more times like that with Mother and Godmother.
But I was reminded of something as finished that wonderful that Mrs.Johnson and her family had prepared. It reminded me that God will Always provide for Us. It also reminded me that one day, I will be able to feast at that heavenly banquet with Mother, Godmother and all those who are now enjoying celebrations with the Father of all.
When I die and God welcomes me into Heaven, I wanna say " That was a damn good meal!" And God will say, " you wanna see a good meal? I will lead you to the Kitchen. The cooks have been waiting to show you a "Home"-cooked meal!"
Regards,
Antony
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Blind Healing the Blind!!
So tonight we had a healing service and as a Stephen Minister, I was asked to assist the pastor in anointing people with oil. When I say a healing service, I'm not talking about the TV preachers who begin their healing session a with a list of miracles. The pastor doesn't bark out diseases like an auctioneer - heart condition to the left, arthritis to the right, cancer in the upper deck. We don't tell people to say goodbye to their wheelchairs.
Rather The United Methodist Services of healing are not services of curing. Rather they "provide an atmosphere in which healing can happen." (The United Methodist Book of Worship, 613-614.) All healing is God's work, and worship settings where God encounters people are intrinsically healing.
When people are hurting, and when there is an invitation to share the pain, people respond. It is very natural and an act of hope in God. The ritual practices of healing prayer in the context of worship do not embarrass or expose people. United Methodist healing services use a simple sacramental approach to healing that expresses compassion, hope, grace, and a quiet confidence in God. There we can bring our inefficiencies to the all-sufficient Christ, who understands our need for wholeness.
When people are hurting, and when there is an invitation to share the pain, people respond. It is very natural and an act of hope in God. The ritual practices of healing prayer in the context of worship do not embarrass or expose people. United Methodist healing services use a simple sacramental approach to healing that expresses compassion, hope, grace, and a quiet confidence in God. There we can bring our inefficiencies to the all-sufficient Christ, who understands our need for wholeness.
And that's what I like about our healing services. It's about spiritual healing. Tonight it was the blind healing the blind.
Recently, My Clinical Depression has been a little out of control. The meds haven't been working. I have been here for a year now and ever since I've been here, things just have been off.( Not to mention my Godmother's death and every thing else!) I'm normally about to handle it, but this last week has been very difficult.( I'm going to the Medical Doctor and Psychiatrist tomorrow)
The last month or so, I have found myself tired a lot, unmotivated; just not happy! And if you know me, that's just not like me.
I'm just tired out it! I am suppose to be the happy one. The one who encourages people. For God sakes, I'm a Stephen Minister! I help people with problems!
But tonight, I was anointing people with oil, praying for there healing. Deep inside, as I prayed for each one and made the sign of the cross on theme, I prayed for healing. I need that spiritual healing. I need that " Peace that passes all Understanding".
As I finished, I was returning and I heard Julie doing her special " Everybody Hurts". When I listened to it earlier this week, I burst into tears. The words spoke to me:
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you re sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong.
now its time to sing along.When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)When you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on.
Everybody hurts.
take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
don't throw your hand. oh, no. don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you re on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries. hold on
everybody hurts.
you are not alone.
Tonight's healing process, reminded me that It's ok to hurt. That it's to want to give up. It's ok to cry. But know that everyone hurts at one time or another. To just hang on. The night last forever.
Right now, I will be honest: It is EXTREMELY hard for me to hold on, but I am....Healing is coming and so it the morning.
Everybody Hurts but Just Hold on,
Antony
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The banks of doon
So tonight I've had some stuff on my mind. The first song I directed was " The banks of Doon" By Donna Gartman Schultz. The Orginal text was a poem by Robert Burns. The words are very powerful. The words helped me pass 12th grade english class( COGDILL!!!) . I used it in my senior portfolio.
You Flowery banks of bonny Doon, How can you bloom so fresh and fair?
How can you chant, you little birds, And I so weary full of care!
You will break my heart, you warbling bird, That flies through the flowering thorn!
You remind me of departed joys, Departed never to return.
Often have I roved by bonny Doon To see the rose and woodbine twine,
And every bird sang of its love, And fondly so did I of mine.
With lightsome heart I plucked a rose, Full sweet upon its thorny tree!
And my false lover stole my rose -But ah! he left the thorn with me
The Banks of Doon, written in 1783, tells of a forsaken young woman of rank who bore a child without the sanction of the Church.
That's one situations but I think about how it relates to our life. I think of it as something has happened in our life that we can't forget and can't get it.
When I was directing this song, I would go over this at least twice a week the girls' choir that was going to sing it a district festival.
Imagine someone giving you a rose. You put it in you hand. The smell of it. The beauty of it. And the meaning behind it. Why the person gave it to you . Now Imagine that person snatching it out of your hand. And all that's left is a thorn from this beautiful creation that you just held. How could something so beautiful leave such painful thing?
Life is kind of like that. We have thing that happen to us. People come into our lives and then leave us for something more beautiful. Taking there rose with them.
In the back of you mind, you knew this would happen, but didn't want to admit it. Or you are totally in love with you job and know it's to good to be true. And then one day, it ends. You get fired or layed off for some reason.
In this poem/song, the writer reiterates several times the pain that he has experienced.
Something that I am realizing is that you can dwell on the thorn. You had something great or beautiful and now its gone and you have to deal with it and move on. There is nothing we can do to make time rewind and do it over.
God forgives us and helps us to deal with the thorns in our lives. He allowed that thorn to come into our lives for a reason. We may not understand, but he does. He gently takes our hand, looks at the thorn, and removes it. If you've ever had a splinter, you will understand removing it isn't the most painless process. I remember hating when mother would remove the splinter. But even more, I hated the constant and annoying pain that the splinter caused. When it was over, she would kiss it and make it better.
God Kisses the wound and thorn is gone. And that's that.
At the end of the day, you may not have the rose, but the pain from the thorn will be removed....If you allow it to be. If we just let go of the past pain, we can feel better;whole again. We may never forget it(We shouldn't! It helps us to grow stronger) but not constantly reminding ourselves of it.
Remember the thorns but let God remove them and be healed!
"He will wipe away every tear. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain." Revelation 21:4.
Peace
Antony
You Flowery banks of bonny Doon, How can you bloom so fresh and fair?
How can you chant, you little birds, And I so weary full of care!
You will break my heart, you warbling bird, That flies through the flowering thorn!
You remind me of departed joys, Departed never to return.
Often have I roved by bonny Doon To see the rose and woodbine twine,
And every bird sang of its love, And fondly so did I of mine.
With lightsome heart I plucked a rose, Full sweet upon its thorny tree!
And my false lover stole my rose -But ah! he left the thorn with me
The Banks of Doon, written in 1783, tells of a forsaken young woman of rank who bore a child without the sanction of the Church.
That's one situations but I think about how it relates to our life. I think of it as something has happened in our life that we can't forget and can't get it.
When I was directing this song, I would go over this at least twice a week the girls' choir that was going to sing it a district festival.
Imagine someone giving you a rose. You put it in you hand. The smell of it. The beauty of it. And the meaning behind it. Why the person gave it to you . Now Imagine that person snatching it out of your hand. And all that's left is a thorn from this beautiful creation that you just held. How could something so beautiful leave such painful thing?
Life is kind of like that. We have thing that happen to us. People come into our lives and then leave us for something more beautiful. Taking there rose with them.
In the back of you mind, you knew this would happen, but didn't want to admit it. Or you are totally in love with you job and know it's to good to be true. And then one day, it ends. You get fired or layed off for some reason.
In this poem/song, the writer reiterates several times the pain that he has experienced.
Something that I am realizing is that you can dwell on the thorn. You had something great or beautiful and now its gone and you have to deal with it and move on. There is nothing we can do to make time rewind and do it over.
God forgives us and helps us to deal with the thorns in our lives. He allowed that thorn to come into our lives for a reason. We may not understand, but he does. He gently takes our hand, looks at the thorn, and removes it. If you've ever had a splinter, you will understand removing it isn't the most painless process. I remember hating when mother would remove the splinter. But even more, I hated the constant and annoying pain that the splinter caused. When it was over, she would kiss it and make it better.
God Kisses the wound and thorn is gone. And that's that.
At the end of the day, you may not have the rose, but the pain from the thorn will be removed....If you allow it to be. If we just let go of the past pain, we can feel better;whole again. We may never forget it(We shouldn't! It helps us to grow stronger) but not constantly reminding ourselves of it.
Remember the thorns but let God remove them and be healed!
"He will wipe away every tear. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain." Revelation 21:4.
Peace
Antony
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Punchbowl
Well I think that not sleeping well caught up to me. Today I woke up around 2pm. That's not like me... AT ALL! But I guess I needed it.
Things really haven't changed. Still driving the truck doing my thing.
Today, I realized that I still had things in my Old apartment to get. So I got up and went over there. My apartment had been cleaned out.
I began to cry.
There were so many things that I shouldn't have left there but did. One of them was my Grandmother Antique punch bowl with matching glasses.
I was devastated! I couldn't believe that I had been so careless to leave something that valuable and important there but I did.
I left the apartment and went to the store to get my drug aka PEPSI! When I was walking up to the store, I saw a man sitting on the side walk. He commented on my truck and we started talking.
Normally, I don't talk to people sitting outside of the store but something just told me to. We began to talk and he started sharing his past and his life with me. He was once a drug addict, had been to jail, etc. And then we talked about faith and Grace. When he mentioned the word Grace, it prompted me to talk about how we don't deserve it but it is the only true free thing in life. The man never asked for money and when I offered him a dollar he simple said " No, thanks."
Here was this man who didn't have very much at all. Had been through so much in life. And All I could worry about was an antique punch bowl. It was God's way of showing me what's really important and how blessed I truly am.
As I lay down tonight, I just thank God for all His blessings and think to myself: Through it all, I've still been served the punch called Grace and the bowl was the hand of God.
Regards,
Antony
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Season of Eternal Love
Today was Mother's Day. I've been dreading this day and how I would feel. This morning, I woke up bright and early for church. Prepared to sing and knowing that it would be a long day that I always enjoyed.( It seems I can't start my week without singing in church. It just makes me week better). Today, we sang " Will I" and "Seasons of Love" from the Musical "Rent". This morning went good but I was just in a "funk". I sang my solo. Thinking about the words, it was very hard for me to get through. " Will I lose my dignity? will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
There I was, Standing on the stage. All Alone. Holding a candle. Thinking about my life. Where I have been. The people who have raised me and taught me all my values. Gone. Just this lone candle. But then I turned around. I saw that there was another candle lit on stage. It was the White candle. This candle represented the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the bridge to God within you. It is the part of your mind—the part of your Spirit—that is joined with the Mind of God. The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God and acts as a reminder to all of God's children of the unconditional love that God has for them. I knew then, that I wasn't alone.
There I was, Standing on the stage. All Alone. Holding a candle. Thinking about my life. Where I have been. The people who have raised me and taught me all my values. Gone. Just this lone candle. But then I turned around. I saw that there was another candle lit on stage. It was the White candle. This candle represented the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the bridge to God within you. It is the part of your mind—the part of your Spirit—that is joined with the Mind of God. The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God and acts as a reminder to all of God's children of the unconditional love that God has for them. I knew then, that I wasn't alone.
One by One, other Praise team members came in singing the same thing that I sang with candle and lit there candle. My Candle was from the Holy Spirit Candle and I lit the 1st persons candle, and they lit the next person's candle and so on, until all the candles were lit.
On this day, when we celebrate Mothers, a day that I was really dreading, God showed me that I wasn't alone. He sent the gift of the Holy Spirit to show his love for me.
We then sang " Seasons of Love". This song raises the Question: How do you measure your life? how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.
Again, it made me think. My life has been so full of different seasons. But all of those seasons we full of love. Today, started a new season. My praise band, my co-workers, my friends, all banded together to show me that they love me. That we can be a family. They showed me that unconditional love. No matter what has happen, My Mother and Godmother loved me.
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
This new season was showed today when I got into my car at 6:50 pm and I felt the breeze against my skin. This wind was The Holy Spirit, Mother, and my Godmother telling me to Celebrate that I have made it through all these seasons
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
To all my friends and extended family, I love you. Thank you so much for being there for me.
To Mother and Godmother: You have reached the Final Season. The best of all. The Season that never end. No ups and downs. No Drama. Just a true season of Eternal Love.
Antony
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Final Analysis
For those of you who follow my facebook or myspace status or have been around me see that last week was rough. For those of you who dont, Well it was rough.
Worked a lot and have several other issues come up. I was very emotional.
Something I never do is cry at work. I try to be professional. But I just became overcome with emotion and cried uncontrollably. That was Thursday and had continued through Saturday. Saturday night, went to dinner with friends(Had a mint Julep in honor of the Kentucky Derby) and came back home. I sat and began to count all the great things in my life. All of my blessings. I prepared for Sunday. Sunday for me is the day that I get "Refilled". I sing with our praise team then go to work and then back to the church for our second service. The support of these people help.
At work, I am very nice to everyone and unfortunately, a lot of those people are not nice back. They don't say hello back to me or act like they are better than me. I began to get a hardened heart. I didn't want to speak to them. I didn't even want to look at them.
But then that old saying "WWJD- What would Jesus Do?" came to mind. Yesterday, one of the Pastors at my church, David, preached about "The mind of Christ". He talked about Christs' compassion and how he washed is Disciples feet. He also Did a poem by Mother Teresa Called " The Final Analysis". When he began reading it, I did all I could to hold back tears. I remember this poem was hung up in a frame in my mother's room when I was little. She truly lived by the principle of that poem.
Worked a lot and have several other issues come up. I was very emotional.
Something I never do is cry at work. I try to be professional. But I just became overcome with emotion and cried uncontrollably. That was Thursday and had continued through Saturday. Saturday night, went to dinner with friends(Had a mint Julep in honor of the Kentucky Derby) and came back home. I sat and began to count all the great things in my life. All of my blessings. I prepared for Sunday. Sunday for me is the day that I get "Refilled". I sing with our praise team then go to work and then back to the church for our second service. The support of these people help.
At work, I am very nice to everyone and unfortunately, a lot of those people are not nice back. They don't say hello back to me or act like they are better than me. I began to get a hardened heart. I didn't want to speak to them. I didn't even want to look at them.
But then that old saying "WWJD- What would Jesus Do?" came to mind. Yesterday, one of the Pastors at my church, David, preached about "The mind of Christ". He talked about Christs' compassion and how he washed is Disciples feet. He also Did a poem by Mother Teresa Called " The Final Analysis". When he began reading it, I did all I could to hold back tears. I remember this poem was hung up in a frame in my mother's room when I was little. She truly lived by the principle of that poem.
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the FINAL analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway
If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the FINAL analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway
Months before mother died, I received an award that was given to a High School senior boy and girl who were thought to be a true "Blue Devil" ( My High school mascot). We got to have the first page in the yearbook to right something and I submitted that poem for my page. 5 months later at 8:10am on February 3, 2005, a girl from the yearbook staff walked in and handed me that poem and the pictures that I had submitted and told me the yearbook has been sent off for printing. At the exact same moment, my teacher and best friend Kathy, receive a phone call telling me that Mother had " Gone to Heaven". I looked at that poem and picture and cried.
Things happen for a reason. Nothing is an accident. We cant allow the things of the world, the way people act, negative things, make us hard towards people. That's not what Christ would have done and its not what He did. If we don't go through hard times, how do we know the good times? Remember " The Same sun that hardens Clay is the same sun the melts wax". Jesus, the Sun of God, is there with you and me through the hard times and the easy times Gently saying " You see, in the FINAL analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway"
Antony
http://antonylarry.blogspot.com
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wayfaring Stranger
Wayfaring stranger
I know my way is hard and steep..I'm Just a Wayfaring stranger
Its Monday. The beginning of the week. Today, I had a lot of stuff to do. Very important things. Things that I've had to do but haven't thought about. The reason is, I didn't want to face reality.
Without getting into to much detail. I have to buy a car. Its not a Want it's a MUST. My truck was owned by my Godmother who died in January and It wasn't paid for. I've got to get a car or wake up one day and my truck will be gone.
I've prayed about it. Given it to God. Taken it back. Given it to God, Taken it back (repeat several times). And now the time has come that I must do something. I also need to move. When My godmother was alive, I had a cushion. I knew that I could count on her to help me. She Co-signed on my Apartment and helped me get to where I am today. She was always there for me no matter. Gay or not. Chasing a dream or sitting at home.
Today, When I tried to get a car, I got some bad news. I tried to get my car from the place where people who can't get a car from anywhere else go. They help everyone. There help for me was $2300 down payment and $320 a month. Not including Insurance.( I have a driving record that is not good at all!)
My Friend Kathy use to tell me that one day God would humble me. I was never a Snob but some things I just said I would never do. I didn't think that I would have to do things like this. I never thought I would live from Paycheck to Paycheck or Think that Coupons were like Gold. But I do. And I love the Dollar store.
God started Humbling me when I was 17 when Mother died and I had to make a DRAMATIC cut back. And now here at 21 with no family or cushion, I have some hard decisions and cut backs to make.
But when reality hits, we must remember: God has brought us or allowed us to come to this point of our lives for a reason. I do believe...Not believe....I KNOW a God who has done so much for me and laid down His own Son for me, Did not bring me this far to leave me now. He's going to pick up this Wayfaring Stranger and give him a ride to where he needs to be.
Just A wayfaring Stranger,
Antony
I know my way is hard and steep..I'm Just a Wayfaring stranger
Its Monday. The beginning of the week. Today, I had a lot of stuff to do. Very important things. Things that I've had to do but haven't thought about. The reason is, I didn't want to face reality.
Without getting into to much detail. I have to buy a car. Its not a Want it's a MUST. My truck was owned by my Godmother who died in January and It wasn't paid for. I've got to get a car or wake up one day and my truck will be gone.
I've prayed about it. Given it to God. Taken it back. Given it to God, Taken it back (repeat several times). And now the time has come that I must do something. I also need to move. When My godmother was alive, I had a cushion. I knew that I could count on her to help me. She Co-signed on my Apartment and helped me get to where I am today. She was always there for me no matter. Gay or not. Chasing a dream or sitting at home.
Today, When I tried to get a car, I got some bad news. I tried to get my car from the place where people who can't get a car from anywhere else go. They help everyone. There help for me was $2300 down payment and $320 a month. Not including Insurance.( I have a driving record that is not good at all!)
My Friend Kathy use to tell me that one day God would humble me. I was never a Snob but some things I just said I would never do. I didn't think that I would have to do things like this. I never thought I would live from Paycheck to Paycheck or Think that Coupons were like Gold. But I do. And I love the Dollar store.
God started Humbling me when I was 17 when Mother died and I had to make a DRAMATIC cut back. And now here at 21 with no family or cushion, I have some hard decisions and cut backs to make.
But when reality hits, we must remember: God has brought us or allowed us to come to this point of our lives for a reason. I do believe...Not believe....I KNOW a God who has done so much for me and laid down His own Son for me, Did not bring me this far to leave me now. He's going to pick up this Wayfaring Stranger and give him a ride to where he needs to be.
Just A wayfaring Stranger,
Antony
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Call the man
I was looking over my past phone records and her number is the most called number that Ive dialed. Sometimes I pick up my phone to call people who are no longer there. People that I know will always listen, no matter what. There is such pain and anger after I realize that I can't talk to them for some reason or another. The most recent being my Godmother. . And when I received my most recent phone bill, there wasn't a single call to her. That hurt.
Growing up, I loved Celine Dion. She was my idol I had every record, poster, etc. My Godmother took me from Jacksonville, fl to Tampa fl to see her in concert when I was 7. That's love! I can still remember Celine singing the song " Called the man". That song came to mind today when I was looking at those old phone bills. I remember being taught as a child that I could always talk to God. He was always there. Even when no one else was. So tonight, When I needed someone to talk to, I did what I do several times throughout the day :
Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here
I needed him. And He listened. Whenever we need God, He is there for us. However, I truly think that we should call Him all the time. Not just when we are desperate, but when we just want to say "Thanks" or " Hey".
Something that I've always heard from the people I was raised by is " Thank Him for what it is".
And I'm gonna admit that there are sometimes when I don't want to praise Him. Times when I am so mad that he allowed these things to happen to me. But I Keep hearing " Call the Man" and that's what I do. I call Him and say " Thanks"
Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall
But even if you haven't talk to "The Man" in a long time or Forever, Call Him. No matter what it is, I promise, He will be happy to hear from you.
Antony
antonylarry.blogspot.com
Growing up, I loved Celine Dion. She was my idol I had every record, poster, etc. My Godmother took me from Jacksonville, fl to Tampa fl to see her in concert when I was 7. That's love! I can still remember Celine singing the song " Called the man". That song came to mind today when I was looking at those old phone bills. I remember being taught as a child that I could always talk to God. He was always there. Even when no one else was. So tonight, When I needed someone to talk to, I did what I do several times throughout the day :
Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here
I needed him. And He listened. Whenever we need God, He is there for us. However, I truly think that we should call Him all the time. Not just when we are desperate, but when we just want to say "Thanks" or " Hey".
Something that I've always heard from the people I was raised by is " Thank Him for what it is".
And I'm gonna admit that there are sometimes when I don't want to praise Him. Times when I am so mad that he allowed these things to happen to me. But I Keep hearing " Call the Man" and that's what I do. I call Him and say " Thanks"
Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall
But even if you haven't talk to "The Man" in a long time or Forever, Call Him. No matter what it is, I promise, He will be happy to hear from you.
Antony
antonylarry.blogspot.com
Monday, April 7, 2008
Imagine me
Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I, I imagine me.In a place, of no insecurities and I’m finally happy cause I imagine me.Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me cause they never did deserve me, can you imagine me.Saying no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me, Lord can you imagine me?Over what my momma said, and healed from what my daddy did and I wanna live and not read that page again.
Last night at Church, The praise band sang a song by Kirk Franklin called " Imagine Me". The song Speaks to my soul! The song talks about imaging yourself without all the pains that you have in your life like insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem.
Kirk Franklin had an upbringing a lot like mine. His Mom and Dad weren’t in his life and he was raised by his Grandmother and Aunt.
The Guy does my photos, Dana Morgan, found an extra head shot that he had of me. Its my absolute favorite. He took it when I didn’t know he was shooting. I was talking to him about the struggles and hard times of my life and how I feel under my " Smile".
The picture shows hurt and sadness. But you can see that there is strength also.
When they were singing that song, "Imagine Me", I looked at the photo with reflection, grief, wonder, and hope. I thought about what the picture would look like if all the pain, hurt, and all those things that are wearing on my soul were " Gone"?
Towards the end of the song, it says
This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem, you never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough but imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now GONE!
It’s All Gone. Every Sin, Every Mistake, Every Failure Its’ All Gone!Depression Gone By Faith It’s Gone Low Self Esteem, Hallelujah Its Gone, All Gone,It’s Gone All My Scars All My Pain It’s In The Past , Its’ Yesterday Its’ All Gone( Can’t Believe Its’ Gone) What Your Mother Did, What Our Father Did, Hallelujah Its’ Gone All Gone!
I know that the day will come when its all GONE! When the pictures shows genuine happiness. God has given me and all of us that promise.
"But those who wait on the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Imagine me,
Antony
Saturday, March 8, 2008
This day...Bittersweet
Well its my birthday. I just got home from work. My Godbrother and sister(2 of my Godmother's kids) came down here to Orlando to see my show and celebrate my birthday. Its almost been 2 months since my Godmother died.
This morning I recieved a phone call around 6 AM. I woke knowing that it had to be my Godmother. She never missed a birthday and always wanted to be the first to call. But, obviously it wasnt. I came back to reality.
Today is truly is a bittersweet day. My Godmother was so excited about me turning 21. Alot more excited than me or anyone. She made everything so special. I just want to hear that voice on the other line. Singing to me "Happy Birthday" and that special way she said " My dear Anthony"(she never called me Antony!)
Im still waiting for that phone call.....Happy Birthday, My dear Anthony
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Eclipse
Tonight was the Lunar Eclipse. Watching it made it me think about a lot of things. This last month as been the hardest of my life.
When a lunar eclipse happens, the earth comes in between the moon and the sun, leaving a reddish tent on the moon.
But something that I found interesting was that, even though there is something blocking the sun and moon, a light still shine on the moon coming from the sun.
Colecta reminded me tonight the sun is bigger than the earth.
It just shows me that, although I feel that God(The Sun;son) is not there, I can still see and feel His light. Because of everything in my life, I may not feel Him like I use too,but He is still there. That light is always there. NO MATTER WHAT!
I really think that was God's way of showing me that nothing can ever block me from His love. He made the sun and moon for a reason and tonight was a prime example that the light doesn't go away just because something is in between it.
Thanks be to God for his light, the Son!(sun)
Antony
Monday, February 4, 2008
The hardest time of my life
It's been a month since I've blogged. In the last month, My life has changed forever.
Yesterday was february 3rd. Three years ago yesterday, Mother died.
Like I told you before, My Birth parents were drugged addicts. I was raised by my Grandmother(Mother) and my Godmother.
On January 9th, 2008, My Godmother had a massive heart attack and was on a ventatator for three days and died on January 12th. She was the last family I had. She was truly like a mother. We talked everyday. Sometimes several times a day. She called me for no reason and I did the same to her. She was my best friend.
This last month has been really hard. I have been pushed truly into independence. I now have to learn how to live my life without her or mother. I thought that living without mother was hard, but this is harder.
I pick up the phone to call her out habit and then realize she's not there for me to call.
I know God has a plan. But the last 21 years of my life has been rough. I have learned a lot of things. There have been nights that I just want to die. Nights that I really feel like I just want to give up. And I do feel that I dont know what I did to deserve this. My heart is empty. This is real guys. You are gonna see a side of me that even I havent seen. A side that wants to give up and die. But I have the heart of my Godmother and Mother... A surviver. Its not going to be easy AT ALL and its gonna be hard journey. But I know that I have to come out of this stronger.
I am so thankful for my friends like Colecta and Stephanie and Jose who have been there whenever I needed them. Listening to me cry or be angry and still listen and say I love you just like my Godmother did. I love you!
To my Godmother- You have been there for me since I was 6 years old. I remember the times when we use to just go out and have a good time. You never denied me anything that I didnt need and in many cases, wanted. I love you so much. The things that you have taught me will be with my forever. I truly dont know how I am gonna survive without you. You were my rock. Loving me for who I am NO MATTER WHAT! If I could turn back time, I truly would go back to January 8th and tell you so much and try to change things. I wan to THANK YOU for loving me and being there me. I know that you and Mother are walking around heaven all day. Doing what you have talked about. I love you. I miss you. I need you.
You truly are the wind beneath my wings. I love you and I miss you.
Your baby,
Antony (anthony)
Yesterday was february 3rd. Three years ago yesterday, Mother died.
Like I told you before, My Birth parents were drugged addicts. I was raised by my Grandmother(Mother) and my Godmother.
On January 9th, 2008, My Godmother had a massive heart attack and was on a ventatator for three days and died on January 12th. She was the last family I had. She was truly like a mother. We talked everyday. Sometimes several times a day. She called me for no reason and I did the same to her. She was my best friend.
This last month has been really hard. I have been pushed truly into independence. I now have to learn how to live my life without her or mother. I thought that living without mother was hard, but this is harder.
I pick up the phone to call her out habit and then realize she's not there for me to call.
I know God has a plan. But the last 21 years of my life has been rough. I have learned a lot of things. There have been nights that I just want to die. Nights that I really feel like I just want to give up. And I do feel that I dont know what I did to deserve this. My heart is empty. This is real guys. You are gonna see a side of me that even I havent seen. A side that wants to give up and die. But I have the heart of my Godmother and Mother... A surviver. Its not going to be easy AT ALL and its gonna be hard journey. But I know that I have to come out of this stronger.
I am so thankful for my friends like Colecta and Stephanie and Jose who have been there whenever I needed them. Listening to me cry or be angry and still listen and say I love you just like my Godmother did. I love you!
To my Godmother- You have been there for me since I was 6 years old. I remember the times when we use to just go out and have a good time. You never denied me anything that I didnt need and in many cases, wanted. I love you so much. The things that you have taught me will be with my forever. I truly dont know how I am gonna survive without you. You were my rock. Loving me for who I am NO MATTER WHAT! If I could turn back time, I truly would go back to January 8th and tell you so much and try to change things. I wan to THANK YOU for loving me and being there me. I know that you and Mother are walking around heaven all day. Doing what you have talked about. I love you. I miss you. I need you.
You truly are the wind beneath my wings. I love you and I miss you.
Your baby,
Antony (anthony)
Friday, January 4, 2008
Are they made for you?
Last March, I sang at My friend Kathy's Son's wedding.( say that three times fast!) I sang a song called "When God made you". The words are so powerful. "I wonder what God was thinking when he created you. I wonder if He knew everything I would need because He made all my dreams come true. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me".
Those words are so powerful. I have talked with some many people who didn't feel that way when they got married or made a commitment to their partner. And now they are unhappy. Did they feel that the world couldn't be right without that one person in their life?
"He made the sun He made the moon To harmonize in perfect tune One can’t move without the other They just have to be together And that is why I know it’s true You’re for me and I’m for you Cause my world just can’t be right Without you in my life"
When you make that Commitment, are all your "Why" questions gone?
Why do we rush into things? Are we lonely? Are we scared?
I'm truly convinced that God hears every prayer that we prayer and He knows that at the right time, we will have that special person come into our life and make everything "Harmonize in perfect tune".
He made the sun He made the moon To harmonize in perfect tune
One can’t move without the other They just have to be together
And that is why I know it’s true You’re for me and I’m for you
Cause my world just can’t be right Without you in my life
Thats why i'm not going to commit myself in a true " Partnership "and Im gonna stay single until I feel that special person that was made for me comes along.
I encourage you to examine these questions and think about who you're with and can you really say to them "When God made you He must have been thinking about me"
Regards,
Antony
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