I guess I'm human!

I don't know what to say right now.
This last month there has been so much anger, pain, grief welling up inside me.( The funny thing is I started Wellbutrin and have great moments! But then there are bad one too!)


Tonight, Rent: Live from Broadway was showing here in Orlando. It was a great opportunity to "Rent" as if I was sitting in the audience in New york! My friends from church invited me and I love being with them. Honestly, If I didn't have them, my best friend, Kathy, and Colecta, I would have NO ONE! People say all the time " I'm here for you" but the deliver on that promise!

The Story has to do with the Aids epidemic but it also goes a lot deeper. It talks about love, the journey of life, caring, and I really think that if you look deep enough, you can see the writer of the show yearning to hear from a Higher being. Someone to give him Answers.

Throughout this touching, emotional, heart-wrenching story, I did not cry. I have seen the Movie a million times and cry every time I see it! But I think that my heart was hardened this time. I didn't want to feel emotions. I tried to look at it as a professional actor wanting to improve his skills.

Towards the end, I saw a particular scene where 2 lovers reunited, Mimi and Roger.
Mimi is near death, but regains consciousness and says, "I was heading toward this warm, white light. And I swear, Angel was there and she looked good! She told me, 'Turn around, girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song.'
And just like that, she come back to life.

I got so angry. I truly thought What a load of Bullshit!

I remember sitting by Mother's(Nana) bed-side at the age of 17, singing her songs. Laying in the bed next to her fragile body. Wanting her to just sing with me like she did when I was younger. My Birth mother was a drug addict who doesn't even know me anymore because of Drugs!

Just 9 months ago, I sat at the bed-side of my Godmother, the last person who could be called a relative, and sang. I made jokes about me seeing this good-looking doctor and needed her to get up so I could use the bed.
At the age of 6, she came into my life and changed it forever and then one day, out of the blue, she collapses and is in a coma, brain dead.

As much as I prayed, begged, screamed for them to wake up, it didn't happen. They didn't hear My song.

I always keep my faith in God. I know that He is there. But I'm tired of smiling and pretending everything is OK. God is late! I just keep praising Him and reading of how much He loves me.

For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I'm scared that God wont arrive in time. He is always there, but I feel like He's taking " The fifth". I know.. Me, Antony, the one who has so much faith and never doubts God.

I'm acting like a human now who is tired of feeling sad, angry and helpless. I'm waiting to be Fully Cover by God. This is gonna sound harsh and some people may get mad at me and stop reading my blog... But I want God to deliver on the promise that He would " Cover Me".

I need you God. Please, show me my next " Season of Love"


Antony

And the Dish ran away with the spoon!

Growing up, I used to hear and read the rhyme

"Hey diddle diddle,
The cat played the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."

I guess, even when I was still unable to tie my own shoe or able to wipe my own nose, I was still asking questions of this rhyme. When I was probably 6 or 7, Mother took the book that held this rhyme away from me. I think the main reason was because I wouldn't stop interrogating her about the background of the story.

I don't know what it was about this rhyme but it raised alot of suspicion in my mind. Think about it: Who is Diddle? Cats obviously can't learn music, much less play a fiddle!(For those who aren't southern, that's a violin!) A huge cow jumping over the moon! That the moon is way to far away! I guess the dog was the only one who was as crazy as me to wonder why the hell this was happening and laughed probably thinking he was on a bad acid trip!

But the very last line is what got me.... And the dish ran away with the spoon.

The Dish and the spoon are very different. One is metal and one is ceramic.( And if you lived in my house, they never had any interaction because your spoon should never scrap your soup dish! That was just a no-no!) But for some reason, at the end of the story, these two had the happy ending. Who would have guessed that, of all dinnerware, they would run away together?!? Not only that, they made it public in a story that had nothing to do with love or anything pertaining to them! What's their story? What happen to make them just run away with other? Was one more dominate that the other? So many Questions!

I don't know why I am writing this story in such detail, but I must believe that this is somehow related to how God somehow works in our lives: Everything before that last line of the rhyme doesn't make sense to most people, but the last thing we hear is about LOVE : And the dish ran away with spoon.

I don't know exactly why things have happen to each one of our lives the way that have, but I do know that it all goes back to love: Love with our self, someone else, and in most of all the Love of God.

Personally, the things that have happen to me hurt a lot. I know that it's all part of a plan but that doesn't mean those things make sense! I do know, and always remind myself that the end will be all about Love and how much I am loved.

When we are sitting in a rocking chair, reading to our grandchildren the stories of The Bible and most of all, our personal story, we will get to the last page and it will read:

" The dish(God) ran away with the spoon( Me, You)

And we will smile that we have made it to end of the sometime unbelievable, crazy, story.

Antony